Officially 10 days without coffee

Here we are, 10 days later and I still haven't had coffee. It's been quite the experience. The addiction isn't broken yet but I know that I'm better off without it because I do feel (and see) a difference. These last few months I really let it go and started putting almond milk AND sugar in my coffee and I saw a difference in my body. I haven't done any formal exercise in quite a while but I'm seeing some bloat in my stomach go down. My clothes are fitting better around my tummy which is good. I'm sleeping better which is also nice. I think the best feeling since giving it up is not feeling (so) anxious.

This morning I woke up and despite a terrible night sleep (thanks, Ernie for waking me up every few hours) I did some push-ups, planks, and an ab series in my living room. I'm amazed at myself for actually being able to not drink coffee for 10 days. Surely, I thought I would've slipped by now! But I haven't, despite REALLY REALLY wanting coffee. Despite this urge, I keep telling myself it's better that I don't drink it. Maybe in a month, I'll see how it goes if I have some...

That's all I got. 10 days without and I'm proof it can be done!

another day in the breaking the addiction diaries

dear diary,

It's day five of no coffee. I have consumed more tea than I would like to admit and treated myself to a nice cold yerba mate! I immediately felt the difference after consuming it. I was slightly jittery but not like I would be if I downed a coffee. It's funny because I really should've given up caffeine all together but thank god my therapist realizes I need SOME.

I'm not anxious. I'm oddly calm and don't have spikes in blood sugar or mental cloudiness. It might be lack of coffee and as a result of omitting coffee, I'm omitting a lot of sugar and almond milk. Believe me, I love a cup of coffee. I think about it every day. I miss it; it might be more the act of it but I still miss it. It's going to take time to break the mental dependency too. It's hard because it's integrated into my routine. Maybe someday I can enjoy a cup but for now, it's tea and yerba mate!

Tomorrow is another day and I keep asking myself WHY did I give up coffee now?! I'm in a PhD program, my parents are visiting and I'm not drinking coffee?! What is wrong with me!? But I'm pressing on and counting myself lucky for not feeling super anxious all the time.

Thanks for reading another entry of my diary ;)

Day three of the breaking the addiction diaries

Today was day three of no coffee. It was harder than the weekend. I'm significantly more aware of my headache and an overall sense of tiredness. I'm feeling more irritable which I'm linking to the lack of coffee. That said, I did drink 4-5 cups of tea today. Nowhere near as much caffeine as before but generally felt like I was constantly drinking.

It's going to take awhile to break this addiction but I do feel the difference. My blood sugar isn't spiked and I'm really not anxious, just irritable :D I'm sure that will go away. There is a good chance I'm going to bed early tonight because I'm feeling that tired.

Outside of coffee detox, I hit my goal for steps three days in a row and am feeling generally pretty good about my eating. Now to integrate stretching and more strength training! My legs, hips, and back are bothering me so I will be seeing the chiropractor this week as well as making a massage appointment. It's really important to listen to your body and do what you can. I know I haven't been doing much of anything for two months but slow I will get back to my typical movements. Just need to listen to my body for now during this detox.

I think tonight I'm going to reward myself with a nice bath with some essential oils my close friend sent me. I think I deserve it :)

Night!

Saying goodbye to coffee

Today I went to a new therapist. It was decided that she is going to make changes in my diet and she will start with my coffee intake. She decided this pretty damn fast. So I'm saying goodbye to coffee. I have been drinking coffee for over 10 years and this will be sad but she's convinced my anxiety will immediately decrease so here's go nothing. Goodbye, coffee. We've had a great relationship. I will start documenting this because this detox may be tough!

Starting tomorrow I will be drinking tea and only tea. Upon the end of my session, I went to the store to get caffeinated teas. If anyone out there has a favorite, please let me know because I found a few I'm going to try.

I'm hoping my anxiety will level out and I'll start to feel better generally. In addition to starting a new regimen in terms of my mornings, I'm going to start doing yoga and some other exercise routines outside of barre to start centering myself more.

It's the beginning of a new month so it's fitting I went to see my new therapist today so I can start the month out strong. Here's to the road back to health!

The magic of dry brushing!

                              

         This photo was taken March 26, 2016.

        

This photo was taken within the last 6 months before I started dry brushing or right when I started.

I really wish I had a before photo of my stretch marks but you can hardly see them here! I spend maybe five minutes before my shower and lotion up. But I'm not really, at this moment, doing anything else. As I've said, barre and eating habits are suffering but this is proof that dry brushing works!

* the only thing altered in these photos is the case of my phone which doubles for a wallet :D

Be Vulnerable

My new anthem is going to be "be vulnerable."

Something my week at NSO taught me was to allow myself not to be the expert; be a sponge, be vulnerable to everything, especially the process of starting school and today, I applied it to Barre.

I've been going to Barre for over a year and today humbled me. I was a wreck. I thought it was because I hadn't been in a week but it wasn't about that, it was new and challenging. Challenges change you. If I'm not vulnerable to challenges, I won't grow. That being said, I just slowed down, took it in and fell into the space of vulnerability. How special that I have found this place? How amazing that I am giving myself permission to be a primary school kid again (that's my mentor's favorite phrase). I do not have not have to know it all. I do not have to be the best in the room. This is a marathon NOT a sprint.

Apply that to eating.
Apply that to life.
Apply that to work.
Apply that to school.
Apply that to working out.

You will burn yourself out by starting with such force that you cannot sustain. How important is that lesson? It's not about how quickly you do things. This is something that has taken me A LONG time to understand. 

When we are vulnerable, we open ourselves to new experiences and challenges. There is no point in becoming comfortable because things will always change. I'm so happy to be internalizing my mentor's advice so early. It's going to make a world of difference in all aspects of my life not just my studies but my eating, my working out, my relationships.

Hero

It wasn't until college that I found folks to admire. I wasn't that kid who had a hero who was a celebrity. I really didn't find my place until I was at Clark. I didn't find people who truly believed in my until I was a junior at Clark. So to this day, I have few mentors and fewer folks I look to for advice and for guidance. In a lot of ways, my years at Clark and the countless times I sat on the Dean's chair across from her, looking at her photos and thinking what a wonderful dean she was, I was lucky. I saw in her something I wanted to be. It was from that experience that I knew I wanted to be a dean. Well, I've been on the road to Dean-ship since I graduated grad school but tomorrow I begin my latest strategic move toward that goal of becoming a dean of students. Tomorrow I begin my PhD program. I really did not know if I would make it to this point. Not many of you know my educational story so I think on the eve of my going back to school, I shall share:

Settle in with some coffee because this is a long one....

When I was 7 or 8, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and held back in the second grade due to a catastrophic death of my grandfather and the divorce of my parents. I wasn't attending school the way I should so the kept me in the second grade. From the diagnosis I was put into special education classes. It was a space that allowed for me to take extra time on things but it was really torture. Those "classes" completely failed me. The teacher was awful. I still remember her. She had no desire to be there and had no desire to actually help us. I was acting out in class and my parents were being called a lot for various meetings.

Flash forward to high school: I had two teachers that actually gave me and my intelligence the time of day. One of those teachers started tutoring me and that helped because I could sense she cared. But other than her and her class, I was drowning in my lack of being able to focus on my work or my academics because I was also figuring my identity out and choir gave me a chance to focus and really be around people who "got me." I fell in love my junior year of high school with an amazing human who was a year younger. She was so smart. AP classes and here I am in special ed, being told I was dumb, not getting good grades at all but she loved me too. I started skipping classes and getting detentions, then I'd skip those and get In-School suspension but then I skipped that by telling the teacher I had an exam in choir--who believes a 17 year old??? I did stint in summer school as to not be held back again but then another catastrophe happened...not for this blog but to give you context, my girlfriend's mother discovered our love and I moved in with my dad. 

Moving in with my dad was the best decision I ever made. I made a conscious choice that I was worth more than what I allowed myself to be. Yes, I have disabilities but I figured out who I was and I was comfortable with that. I didn't see anyone at my new high school that looked like me but I found the most amazing group of friends (we are all still friends to this day). I was welcomed and loved despite my past. I was accepted into this group with no questions asked.

Luckily I think I was able to forego special ed classes which was awesome! I was just like everyone else! I started applying to college and was rejected by every school, except one but I wasn't in love. My family decided to send me to a community college...BEST DECISION EVER. For two years, I was able to focus on school and getting involved. I was so involved. I became the Student Government President and with the belief of some awesome people, including my new partner, I was applying to transfer! I was learning about various colleges and was doing so well, I thought, let's go for a reach school!

Clark was my top choice. I didn't care about my SAT scores--which were maybe 1000. My parents and I went to Clark and visited. I remember very clearly my parents being skeptical that I'd get in because of my past in education. The Director of Admissions didn't seem phased by my past and was certain that I would get in. Boy was he right! I applied to three schools: Northeastern, Clark and American University. I got into all three and Clark was number 1! So I went. I did well in classes. And that's how I met my mentor, the dean I mentioned earlier.

It was at Clark that I met the most supportive people. From faculty, to student affairs staff, to admission staff, all of whom I keep in touch with; I was cared for and felt like I had a place. I have friends from Clark that even after all these years we see each other. I made some of the best friends there. I found my voice at Clark and found a place to consider home. (I should be donating more money then.) 

I'm telling you all this because it's been in the past 10 years that I've become what I wanted. A supportive mentor for students. I have become someone that I would have admired. I reach every day for my goals to give students, who might be just like me (struggling, longing, wanting to be accepted and wanting to thrive) someone to look up to. So I became who I needed 10 years ago. I keep that goal in mind as I wake up each day.

And tomorrow, I embark on the next section of this dream. Become a dean like the ones I had at Clark who accepted and loved me and pushed me to dream big and not accept failure. They challenged me to change the world and I'm doing that, one day at a time. Tomorrow I become a doctoral student. I do it with all these memories and stories right inside my head. I carry all those people in my community in my heart as I enter this new stage in life. I'm nervous but I do it with everyone cheering me on. Another day closer to Dr. Verlezza. 

It's the month of anniversaries!

January is my Paleo/gluten free anniversary and I'm celebrating THREE years this month! I'm so excited. Three years calls for another before and after photo! Also this month is my Barre-aversary! Last January, I decided to start Pure Barre. Mostly because my friend from college, Leslie, was OBSESSED with Bar Method and I felt like I needed something in addition to Pilates. I really was nervous trying Barre and in all honesty, hated my first class. I kept thinking "What in the hell did I get myself into?!" I was so sore and miserable, during the class and after. But I went back and found my groove and my people. I knew I'd regret thinking awful things about it but I allowed myself to be mad because it was awful for someone who thought they were fit. I was wrong. HAHA.

Here I am 180 classes later and a year committed to it! Another milestone. I'm amazed that I can stick to something. It's not really my M.O to stick to things--well it wasn't when I was a kid so the fact that I've been able to drastically change my life twice and maintain that shift has been incredible.

Barre has really changed my body. I'm including pictures because I feel like we all do best with photos

Timeline of Change

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This photo is from Dec 2013. I've posted it before but it's before I started Paleo and Gluten free lifestyle.

 

This morning. Three years of Paleo and gluten free and one year of barre.

I took this photo the morning I started Barre, January 2nd 2015. You can sort of see the difference.

After one year of Barre, I'd say my seat is lifted! Its rounder and higher than the January 2015 photo.



And because I promised a stretch mark photo. I have been dry brushing for over 2 weeks, every day. I was dry brushing only my stomach but I thought, "let's do the whole body!" so before I shower every day, I dry brush my whole body. My skin is softer and isn't as dry/flakey due to the cold weather. Also, like many folks, I have stretch marks around my thighs, chest and hips. So I figured I might as well try those areas, too! It's not terribly painful and I can stand it for a few minutes.

I looked in my albums on iphoto for a before stretch mark photo and can't find one because I was really embarrassed by them. I think a lot of my shame around my stretch marks has to do with how quickly I gained weight and how unhappy I was with my weight. As I said before, I use to have pink/purple marks all across my stomach. Now you can barely see them. I'm pleasantly surprised with this transformation. I'm really thankful I took this leap of faith. I use to obsess. I asked my chiropractor how to get rid of them and he said sun so I would lay in the sun in the backyard for like 30 minutes to tan my stomach to make them go away. That never worked well. I thought "okay, what else?" I figured lots of sit-ups. NOPE. Now I'm a believer. Dry brushing is the way to go. That combined with eating and exercise and wham! Invisible marks!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read today! Do something for you! I'm going to enjoy my day with some good people and prepare for my adventure into PhD land starting Monday.

Centered

This morning at Barre was awesome. Lots of great things happened, including a kick-ass workout. I exchanged numbers with one of the instructors...which was AWESOME. She thinks I'm kidding but I'm so not. We got to talking about how we weren't the cool kids or the popular kids. Which got me thinking a lot about how before I started loving myself, I don't think I was very like-able. I always thought I was an acquired taste, not the nicest, stand offish, and honestly, rude. Why did I think this? Well, I was told I was this way frequently. I had friends. A handful. I was very good with that. I felt like I wasn't the best person and those who liked me, well, I was lucky! 

Then through the years, I got older, and actually started liking myself and things began to shit. Once I started to be nicer to myself, I was nicer to others and I just gained a larger circle. When I moved to California, I was married and didn't feel like I needed friends. I did go into social settings worried about my mouth--which I was told I ran off too much--and feeling very bruised. I was constantly worried about messing up and really making a fool of myself as I had always done previously. (I still worry about that to some extent but I've relaxed more in social settings.) Since the divorce, now two years ago, I've grown, a lot.

I've been able to accept myself and really love myself. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my hobbies and found this confidence that I think has translated to how I act in public.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I never thought I was like-able until today...or really the past 2-3 months. Joining Barre was the best decision for a number of reasons but really because I've gotten outta my shell and found common ground with people who see me. Who don't care about my degrees, my weight, my hair, my sexuality, my job. They just like me. WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me. 

I was blind for so many years. I thought I had to be this big, tough, hard-shelled person and once I accepted myself, I found out that I'm pretty great.

This morning I was given a cell phone number of someone I admire and she thinks I'm joking but I so am not! And a friend left a bottle of my favorite champagne on my car. I'm blown away. I'm myself and I guess myself is like-able. I think it's amazing that it's taken me 30 years to just be me and not apologize for it but also not change to fit other's expectations of me. Being who I am, nothing more, nothing less, is pretty rewarding.

I think part of my loving myself was being able to find a way of eating that worked for me. I'm not constantly tired or miserable. I'm able to enjoy life because my stomach isn't constantly upset. I really think my diet had a lot to do with my lack of being able to be nice or pleasant. Once I took control over my life (my health, my diet, my exercise, my marriage) everything started to fall into place!

Thanks for being my readers and most importantly, my friends.

Not sure the venue but this seems appropriate!

Warning this a really personal post: Probably the most vulnerable I've gotten in a while.

I went to Barre this morning (it was great) and on the way home, Michael Franti's "I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like)" came on and I sang the whole time. Then suddenly I got all choked up. Yes, I'm an emotional person and very sensitive but for some reason this song that I tend to jump up and down and rock the EFF out with, I was crying. I was thinking about my life right now. My amazing and complicated and busy life. How far I've come since this song came out.

It was released right during the time of my asking for a divorce and at the exact moment I felt at my lowest. I was so unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I was unhappy with my life, my friends, my negativity, my job, my family, my apartment..nothing felt right and nothing felt like it was mine. I didn't feel like an individual who was able to thrive and grow. I felt like I had started a new life as a pair that didn't fit. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I fell asleep at 8pm and couldn't get up until 9am. I was clearly on the verge of depression and digging myself into a hole. I, thankfully, sought out therapy and there figured out I needed to end my marriage and attempt the alone life and really be an independent twenty-something. I didn't know who I was at 27/28. I had never been Victoria. I was always someone's other and formed to make the "perfect match" even though it was never the perfect fit.  I had no hobbies and had no desire to be fit. Everything I was doing, by my own doing, was being a pair. In a lot of ways, I didn't let myself branch out because, well honestly, I don't know...I don't really know what was stopping me but when I started eating Paleo and when I started finding things I liked, it was almost too late to start and try to be my own person. I had made it so that we relied so heavily on each other then when I wanted a bit of freedom, trust wasn't there because I was never my own person prior to feeling and sleeping better.

Why is this information important, you might be wondering? Well the song itself, talks about being alive and living life to the fullest and just enjoying being alive....At the time of the release of this song, I wasn't living life and I wasn't doing all that I wanted. I felt held back and stifled and there's a line "every body wants me to be except you" well that was NOT my marriage. I was trying to be someone else. I couldn't extend my wings and fly without being brought back to center and smothered despite the other person thinking they weren't doing that. The closer they tried to hold me, the stronger my desire to run. This goes back to my point about not being independent prior to getting married. 

But again, how does this relate to Paleo? Well, starting Paleo and sticking to it lifted a HUGE fog on my brain and heart. Looking back, I was going through the motions of life. I wasn't living. I was staying at home and just being miserable. I refused to allow myself to experience things. I was almost afraid of experiencing the world because I was with someone who, in my opinion, almost expected me to NOT grow, in my job or personally, because I had been so dependent on her for everything. Eating Paleo should be credited for my clear thinking and my heart being clear. In so many ways, I could see the terrible choices I was making in my life by eating differently. I know it sounds weird but food has so much effect on your mind and body. The connection is unreal. I am so thankful to Paleo because I can see all things now. I've also grown up a lot in three years. 

After my marriage ended, I learned to just be. I learned to be myself and be with myself and find people who I can rely on for friendship and support. I learned to love the ways that I am and not apologize for being sensitive or emotional or overbearing or busy. I learned to let myself stretch at work and not worry about my home life but find a balance. I found hobbies and try new and exciting things all the time.

Thankfully, currently, I'm dating someone who is so supportive and doesn't stress if I have to work 6 nights a week. She knows that I have to work to support my students and in a lot of ways, work extra hours to advance in my career. There are some things I have to do and that can't be debated. 

I see this post as quite relevant to my Paleo Adventure because if it weren't for going Paleo and really getting into the "fit" lifestyle, I would have never seen my own unhappiness, never would've sought therapy and probably wouldn't have my current chosen family, my beautiful cats, gotten a promotion or meet my supportive, smart, funny, beautiful best friend and girlfriend. I would be stuck in the same rut I was for much of my life.

So, it all comes back to Michael Franti.  The song this morning brought a flood of feelings and a flood of thankfulness. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I feel so thankful and so grateful for my life. I'm in the year of 30, I'm at a great activity level and have all the things I've ever wanted. Thanks be to Paleo! :D

First Barre class

Yesterday was my first barre class. I went out on a limb and am trying something new and it was really fast paced and hard to follow. I was very frustrated at the end because honestly, I thought I was in better shape than this class is making me think. To be called active and fit a few days ago and then go to this class and I'm having to stop a bunch and drink water, that's frustrating! Well, I stayed the whole 55 minutes even though I wanted to quit. I will be going back even though I really don't want to......I left there feeling kinda sore, kinda shakey...shakey is their thing. They want you to "find your shake" and "be the best you can be" and you're "strong!" okay, okay, I get it! I've never been into the motivation piece of group classes like that. It's low impact but high energy and I was so not feeling it. I resolved in my head that I have to give it a shot and not just dismiss it...which is my pattern. Maybe it's the instructor and the people in the class. Who knows.

I will say that I was skeptical due to the lack of soreness until I woke up this morning. I'm sore around my  side-ribcage, aka my obliques. This is a soreness I haven't felt there before. I haven't felt so sore I say ouch when I lift myself up or bend a certain way. I will call this a win. I'm sad my seat (butt) isn't sore but I guess that will come. Eventually...

Going forward, I've scheduled myself for 2 days a week. I have pilates later today and if I'm not super sore, I might attempt another barre class tomorrow or monday. Who knows. Keep ya posted!

Evolution Through Pictures

                                  

                                                          No diet, no weight watchers. Just pure 180 lbs of me in 2007. I was a size 14 there

                                                         

                                                           Spring Break 2008  

                                             

                                      Summer 2008

                              

                                                         May 2009 Clark Graduation, was on weight watchers. Size 12 and 160

                                               

                                     October 2009

                                              

                                                              Notice the pizza.. 2010. Size 10 and on weight watchers, still




                                                    HUGE gap in photos between 2010 and 2012...wonder why

                    

                                          Family photo shoot, 2012, size 12 still but convinced I can fit in my size 14 (wears like a 10) wedding dress

October 2012, that dress is a 14 and no longer fits

May 2013, purchased that dress at Target and it was tight when I got it but fit perfectly in May!

July 2013, weighing 145lbs wearing a medium skirt and a medium top

June 2014

       

December 2014

Struggling today

(Image taken from The Paleo vs Zone Diet Debate: http://www.crossfitkinnick.com/2013/01/11/the-paleo-vs-zone-debate/ )



Slept so well last night after a very Paleo satisfying day! Drank over 90 oz of water/tea and I felt really good, full and content. I went to bed at a normal hour because I was tired and not exhausted but tired from the day. Which is new. I'm normally falling asleep on the couch around 9pm. I stayed up until 10pm! Big deal!

This morning I got up at 6am, made some tea, played with puppy and listened to pod casts again. Did some yoga moves, stretched and enjoyed the rain falling outside. We made a lovely and large breakfast but I'm having some coffee withdrawal symptoms and just feeling a little more tired today.

But today is grocery shopping day! So excited to get to it and get some good stuff!


I really like this picture below. It's awesome. It's a self love pyramid! 

Have a lovely day!