Be Vulnerable

My new anthem is going to be "be vulnerable."

Something my week at NSO taught me was to allow myself not to be the expert; be a sponge, be vulnerable to everything, especially the process of starting school and today, I applied it to Barre.

I've been going to Barre for over a year and today humbled me. I was a wreck. I thought it was because I hadn't been in a week but it wasn't about that, it was new and challenging. Challenges change you. If I'm not vulnerable to challenges, I won't grow. That being said, I just slowed down, took it in and fell into the space of vulnerability. How special that I have found this place? How amazing that I am giving myself permission to be a primary school kid again (that's my mentor's favorite phrase). I do not have not have to know it all. I do not have to be the best in the room. This is a marathon NOT a sprint.

Apply that to eating.
Apply that to life.
Apply that to work.
Apply that to school.
Apply that to working out.

You will burn yourself out by starting with such force that you cannot sustain. How important is that lesson? It's not about how quickly you do things. This is something that has taken me A LONG time to understand. 

When we are vulnerable, we open ourselves to new experiences and challenges. There is no point in becoming comfortable because things will always change. I'm so happy to be internalizing my mentor's advice so early. It's going to make a world of difference in all aspects of my life not just my studies but my eating, my working out, my relationships.

Hero

It wasn't until college that I found folks to admire. I wasn't that kid who had a hero who was a celebrity. I really didn't find my place until I was at Clark. I didn't find people who truly believed in my until I was a junior at Clark. So to this day, I have few mentors and fewer folks I look to for advice and for guidance. In a lot of ways, my years at Clark and the countless times I sat on the Dean's chair across from her, looking at her photos and thinking what a wonderful dean she was, I was lucky. I saw in her something I wanted to be. It was from that experience that I knew I wanted to be a dean. Well, I've been on the road to Dean-ship since I graduated grad school but tomorrow I begin my latest strategic move toward that goal of becoming a dean of students. Tomorrow I begin my PhD program. I really did not know if I would make it to this point. Not many of you know my educational story so I think on the eve of my going back to school, I shall share:

Settle in with some coffee because this is a long one....

When I was 7 or 8, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and held back in the second grade due to a catastrophic death of my grandfather and the divorce of my parents. I wasn't attending school the way I should so the kept me in the second grade. From the diagnosis I was put into special education classes. It was a space that allowed for me to take extra time on things but it was really torture. Those "classes" completely failed me. The teacher was awful. I still remember her. She had no desire to be there and had no desire to actually help us. I was acting out in class and my parents were being called a lot for various meetings.

Flash forward to high school: I had two teachers that actually gave me and my intelligence the time of day. One of those teachers started tutoring me and that helped because I could sense she cared. But other than her and her class, I was drowning in my lack of being able to focus on my work or my academics because I was also figuring my identity out and choir gave me a chance to focus and really be around people who "got me." I fell in love my junior year of high school with an amazing human who was a year younger. She was so smart. AP classes and here I am in special ed, being told I was dumb, not getting good grades at all but she loved me too. I started skipping classes and getting detentions, then I'd skip those and get In-School suspension but then I skipped that by telling the teacher I had an exam in choir--who believes a 17 year old??? I did stint in summer school as to not be held back again but then another catastrophe happened...not for this blog but to give you context, my girlfriend's mother discovered our love and I moved in with my dad. 

Moving in with my dad was the best decision I ever made. I made a conscious choice that I was worth more than what I allowed myself to be. Yes, I have disabilities but I figured out who I was and I was comfortable with that. I didn't see anyone at my new high school that looked like me but I found the most amazing group of friends (we are all still friends to this day). I was welcomed and loved despite my past. I was accepted into this group with no questions asked.

Luckily I think I was able to forego special ed classes which was awesome! I was just like everyone else! I started applying to college and was rejected by every school, except one but I wasn't in love. My family decided to send me to a community college...BEST DECISION EVER. For two years, I was able to focus on school and getting involved. I was so involved. I became the Student Government President and with the belief of some awesome people, including my new partner, I was applying to transfer! I was learning about various colleges and was doing so well, I thought, let's go for a reach school!

Clark was my top choice. I didn't care about my SAT scores--which were maybe 1000. My parents and I went to Clark and visited. I remember very clearly my parents being skeptical that I'd get in because of my past in education. The Director of Admissions didn't seem phased by my past and was certain that I would get in. Boy was he right! I applied to three schools: Northeastern, Clark and American University. I got into all three and Clark was number 1! So I went. I did well in classes. And that's how I met my mentor, the dean I mentioned earlier.

It was at Clark that I met the most supportive people. From faculty, to student affairs staff, to admission staff, all of whom I keep in touch with; I was cared for and felt like I had a place. I have friends from Clark that even after all these years we see each other. I made some of the best friends there. I found my voice at Clark and found a place to consider home. (I should be donating more money then.) 

I'm telling you all this because it's been in the past 10 years that I've become what I wanted. A supportive mentor for students. I have become someone that I would have admired. I reach every day for my goals to give students, who might be just like me (struggling, longing, wanting to be accepted and wanting to thrive) someone to look up to. So I became who I needed 10 years ago. I keep that goal in mind as I wake up each day.

And tomorrow, I embark on the next section of this dream. Become a dean like the ones I had at Clark who accepted and loved me and pushed me to dream big and not accept failure. They challenged me to change the world and I'm doing that, one day at a time. Tomorrow I become a doctoral student. I do it with all these memories and stories right inside my head. I carry all those people in my community in my heart as I enter this new stage in life. I'm nervous but I do it with everyone cheering me on. Another day closer to Dr. Verlezza. 

It's the month of anniversaries!

January is my Paleo/gluten free anniversary and I'm celebrating THREE years this month! I'm so excited. Three years calls for another before and after photo! Also this month is my Barre-aversary! Last January, I decided to start Pure Barre. Mostly because my friend from college, Leslie, was OBSESSED with Bar Method and I felt like I needed something in addition to Pilates. I really was nervous trying Barre and in all honesty, hated my first class. I kept thinking "What in the hell did I get myself into?!" I was so sore and miserable, during the class and after. But I went back and found my groove and my people. I knew I'd regret thinking awful things about it but I allowed myself to be mad because it was awful for someone who thought they were fit. I was wrong. HAHA.

Here I am 180 classes later and a year committed to it! Another milestone. I'm amazed that I can stick to something. It's not really my M.O to stick to things--well it wasn't when I was a kid so the fact that I've been able to drastically change my life twice and maintain that shift has been incredible.

Barre has really changed my body. I'm including pictures because I feel like we all do best with photos

Timeline of Change

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This photo is from Dec 2013. I've posted it before but it's before I started Paleo and Gluten free lifestyle.

 

This morning. Three years of Paleo and gluten free and one year of barre.

I took this photo the morning I started Barre, January 2nd 2015. You can sort of see the difference.

After one year of Barre, I'd say my seat is lifted! Its rounder and higher than the January 2015 photo.



And because I promised a stretch mark photo. I have been dry brushing for over 2 weeks, every day. I was dry brushing only my stomach but I thought, "let's do the whole body!" so before I shower every day, I dry brush my whole body. My skin is softer and isn't as dry/flakey due to the cold weather. Also, like many folks, I have stretch marks around my thighs, chest and hips. So I figured I might as well try those areas, too! It's not terribly painful and I can stand it for a few minutes.

I looked in my albums on iphoto for a before stretch mark photo and can't find one because I was really embarrassed by them. I think a lot of my shame around my stretch marks has to do with how quickly I gained weight and how unhappy I was with my weight. As I said before, I use to have pink/purple marks all across my stomach. Now you can barely see them. I'm pleasantly surprised with this transformation. I'm really thankful I took this leap of faith. I use to obsess. I asked my chiropractor how to get rid of them and he said sun so I would lay in the sun in the backyard for like 30 minutes to tan my stomach to make them go away. That never worked well. I thought "okay, what else?" I figured lots of sit-ups. NOPE. Now I'm a believer. Dry brushing is the way to go. That combined with eating and exercise and wham! Invisible marks!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read today! Do something for you! I'm going to enjoy my day with some good people and prepare for my adventure into PhD land starting Monday.

Centered

This morning at Barre was awesome. Lots of great things happened, including a kick-ass workout. I exchanged numbers with one of the instructors...which was AWESOME. She thinks I'm kidding but I'm so not. We got to talking about how we weren't the cool kids or the popular kids. Which got me thinking a lot about how before I started loving myself, I don't think I was very like-able. I always thought I was an acquired taste, not the nicest, stand offish, and honestly, rude. Why did I think this? Well, I was told I was this way frequently. I had friends. A handful. I was very good with that. I felt like I wasn't the best person and those who liked me, well, I was lucky! 

Then through the years, I got older, and actually started liking myself and things began to shit. Once I started to be nicer to myself, I was nicer to others and I just gained a larger circle. When I moved to California, I was married and didn't feel like I needed friends. I did go into social settings worried about my mouth--which I was told I ran off too much--and feeling very bruised. I was constantly worried about messing up and really making a fool of myself as I had always done previously. (I still worry about that to some extent but I've relaxed more in social settings.) Since the divorce, now two years ago, I've grown, a lot.

I've been able to accept myself and really love myself. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my hobbies and found this confidence that I think has translated to how I act in public.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I never thought I was like-able until today...or really the past 2-3 months. Joining Barre was the best decision for a number of reasons but really because I've gotten outta my shell and found common ground with people who see me. Who don't care about my degrees, my weight, my hair, my sexuality, my job. They just like me. WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me. 

I was blind for so many years. I thought I had to be this big, tough, hard-shelled person and once I accepted myself, I found out that I'm pretty great.

This morning I was given a cell phone number of someone I admire and she thinks I'm joking but I so am not! And a friend left a bottle of my favorite champagne on my car. I'm blown away. I'm myself and I guess myself is like-able. I think it's amazing that it's taken me 30 years to just be me and not apologize for it but also not change to fit other's expectations of me. Being who I am, nothing more, nothing less, is pretty rewarding.

I think part of my loving myself was being able to find a way of eating that worked for me. I'm not constantly tired or miserable. I'm able to enjoy life because my stomach isn't constantly upset. I really think my diet had a lot to do with my lack of being able to be nice or pleasant. Once I took control over my life (my health, my diet, my exercise, my marriage) everything started to fall into place!

Thanks for being my readers and most importantly, my friends.

barre'd twice this week!

After my two month(ish) absence from the barre, I've been able to go 4 times this month! (I was sick for a week.... WHINE) But I've been twice this week and the instructor rocks my socks. I love taking her class. I feel a genuine sense of friendship and care from her. I can tell this isn't just a job for her (not saying that any other instructors omit that feeling, I just feel like she has this aura about her). I really enjoy her presence. This week was especially awesome because we had the regular 6am crew! With the new addition of a work friend! She started coming at the beginning of Dec and it's been great having her there. I really love the community. I know I've said it before but the community that can be built in group workouts is amazing. I really enjoy the laughs we share and the silliness we can have even at the ungodly hour of 6am. I hate getting up so early but there really isn't a better way to start my day and I forgot that. Working out makes me enjoy my day more.

I was feeling really sad and alone last night and feeling really frustrated with some aspects of my life. I went to bed super early (8:45 to be exact) and got up around 4:45am. I was able to lay in bed and make coffee and drink a full glass of water before the coffee--which doesn't far well in Barre cause you gotta pee so bad in the middle of class but whatever! I got to the studio and felt a little better. My friend from work brought me an orange from her orange tree. It really made me feel loved and it made me start seriously thinking about my journal I want to keep tracking all the amazing things that happen each day because when I feel like I did last night, it would be helpful to remember that I'm not defined by one or two areas of my life. I left the class feeling much better and just really feeling that sense of community. We laughed so much and there's a sense of family. Mine is far and it's nice to know that there are people here who were once strangers turned a sort of support system and it makes it easy to get up that early :)

One month of no barre

Here we are. One month post break from Barre. I haven't been back in a while. At this point, my back is in okay shape but it's more about the embarrassment of going back after so long. I get sweet texts and messages on Instagram but honestly, I'm nervous and embarrassed to go back. I know that I feel good when I go but I interrupt so much of the motivation as shaming that I'm afraid that I will be motivated by it despite my girlfriend saying "take it easy" "don't compete" "modify." It's too hard to remember I don't have to be the best in the class or beat the younger clients. I want to do it all so well but I really can't right now. I will literally have to start from the bottom again, which is fine but I had come so far that my back injury really set me back to the point where I don't want to be judged for not being as good as some. Yup, worried about judgement. I've always battled that. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at not letting that fear consume me but I am very worried about it now. I want to love myself as is but I also want to get back to where I was. Not just with Barre but with food.

We are going to do the 21 day sugar detox rather than the whole 30. Whole 30 is great but its so strict that I'd like to try something a little less rigid. My original plan was to do it between thanksgiving and christmas but I think post christmas might be best considering all the dinners and things we will have between thanksgiving and christmas.

I really need a reset. I'm coming up on my 3 year anniversary with Paleo in January and I'd really like to be strict Paleo again by then. I'm not right now, I'm SUPER lax and that's not so good for me. I guess I'm also embarrassed by that. I've really let things just go over the past year. I've allowed myself to not be strict Paleo and just let Barre fall by the wayside completely. I know when I start my PhD next semester these things are going to be important for me to focus on school work because I really want to do well in school. I'm so determined.

Post 30 in 35 challenge

Here I sit. Monday morning. Day off and usually I'd be on my way to Barre but I had to take today off. I did something in the past 2 weeks that really roughed my knees up. For those of you who know me, my knees have never been good and Barre was good for a long time because of pilates because my knees got stronger but right now, my knees are tweaked. 

I did something 2 weeks ago and felt a pull and things haven't been the same since. Saturday during "knee dancing" I couldn't stay in it, I felt a serious pull in my right knee, which Sunday my instructor helped me modify, which was awesome but yesterday during the day, I couldn't sit how I wanted to on the couch because my knee on the right inside hurt a lot.

I woke up this morning, wanting to go but attempting to give myself permission to not go. I wanted to get 21 in 31 days this month. We all know I can do it but I can't. My body is MESSED up from the last challenge. I think it was nice for our studio owner to suggest another challenge but when you have body issues like me, it isn't the best idea. I think my goal every month should be between 16-20 classes. I think doing more than that for my body is unrealistic because of the physical pain I'm in.

I know these all sound like excuses and I shouldn't be making excuses and I'm trying not to, I'm only trying to give myself permission for missing. Physical pain is serious and I only have one body so I need to rest.

Off to the chiropractor I go this week!

Class 30 of the 30 in 35 challenge

            2013

 9/12/15.               9/19/15               9/29/15

        9/12/15                                    9/29/15

The top photo is one I've shared a few times but it was December 2013. The bottom is September 2015. I was so embarrassed of the top photo for so long but now I'm so proud of how far I've come. It's very cool to see through pictures, which as I've said before, but for you folks, photos were something I avoided. I also have lingering issues with my stomach despite my hard work at the Barre for these past 29 days. 

It was a hard journey. I took 30 classes! This challenge has taught me that I can go everyday (almost) and I can get up early. It's better to go early, despite not always being at peak performance. Yesterday morning, for example, I was called on the on-call emergency phone at 4am. I knew I'd be getting up at 5:15am. The situation wasn't complete until 4:45am. I did get back into my bed, hoping the cats would come and snuggle. Then I thought, "if I don't go now, when am I going to go?" That's a real concern. I know I have to hit 30 but even if I didn't, it's important for me to take 60 minutes of movement, for myself. I'm putting myself and my body first. 

If I commit to working out, even if it's a low impact workout, which doesn't burn a TON of calories, I'm clearly getting results. It's giving me confidence that I don't think I otherwise had. Growing up the fat kid was not easy. Being teased for my weight was the worst. I'm finally at a place where I can see the work I'm doing is not only good for my body but good for my mind and soul. I'm working hard and challenging myself! I love it.

Up next: 21 in 30 days! Here goes nothing!

20 in 31 coming to an end rapidly!

I cannot believe March Madness, Pure Madness is almost over! I have 2 more classes and will complete my 20 in 31. I have learned a few things about myself:

1. I need rest days. Some folks in our studio haven't rested and are on like class 25 on day 29. I cannot do that right now. My body is sore and needs time to recover.

2. I'm stronger than I think, really. They weren't kidding every time they say "you're stronger than you think." I'm on class 5 in a row and I can hold my plank and not come out, I have increased weight, and I take the suggested challenges.

3. I have come so far at the age of 29 and I'm so happy to finally be able to move and work out in ways I wasn't/haven't before.

4. I can make a community with people I didn't know and they will cheer me on.

5. If I keep up this pace I could hit 100 by my birthday in June and that's my new goal! To hit 100 before my 30th birthday!

That is all.

Month 3 of Barre

Over a year ago when I joined Pilates, I finally found something that made my body tone, stretch, and move in ways I never thought possible. Growing up, I knew my body couldn't do what other's bodies could. I was in touch with my knees and my many aliments. I couldn't run fast, I could barely touch my toes, my joints swell at the sight of exercise or even heat. My body just isn't like others and I always knew that. I had weak knees and a weak back. I would get injured very easily after like a month of working out at the gym. I wasn't really loosing weight (which wasn't the goal but a nice bonus) but rather maintaining. Walking during the beginning of my Paleo Adventure was great but before that I wasn't really active. 

At age 28 (Dec 2013), my therapist encouraged me to look into something I could really get into and love.  As a result, I found Pilates and challenged myself physically in so many ways. Essentially, Pilates changed my life. Fast forward a year and a month later and I went ahead and researched new exercises to aid in my quest. Per my NYC friend's suggestion, I looked at Barre Method. The closest Barre Method was in Pasadena so I looked at Pure Barre, which has a location only 12 minutes from my apartment. I'm now in my third month. And my first challenge (20 in 31, I'm in day 10!)....which brings me to this post. 

I'm pretty excited to share the photo below. I was so skeptical (see previous Barre related posts) that Barre was going work. I was convinced at first that I hated it. And I kinda did, because I sucked at it. But now, I really see results not just in my body but in my endurance. I can hold my planks for almost the entire 90 seconds (but if it's 6AM that 90 seconds is a LONG time). My physical body actually looks different. My "seat" is lifted and my body looks tighter. My arms are defined. I have more energy during the day and can do things I wasn't able to do before! Now, Pilates does all this too but my butt hasn't looked like the below pic, ever. No offense Pilates, you will always be my lifesaver :D

I will say my confidence to enter the Barre studio came from Pilates. If it wasn't for Pilates, Barre NEVER would've been an option. My knees have been strengthened for a year and have been challenged by Pilates and now I feel secure enough with them that I can do new things, like Barre.

I'm so happy that I went out on a limb to find something that can challenge me in different ways. 

Pure Barre Day 2

So my bar (bar method) obsessed friend from NYC is correct. Instructor makes all the difference!!!! I had class this morning and really loved this instructor! I also really loved the fact that 5 people made it to the class at 6am. It was nice because I felt the tempo was different. Or maybe it's because I was use to it and wasn't as lost as I was last time. The instructor gave me some tips and was encouraging but not in a way that made me hate the class. For instance, it wasn't over the top! It wasn't peppy and cheerleader-y which I liked!

The class seemed to fly by and the movements went faster this time but it could also be me...

I really liked this class and am now looking at investing in some longer workout bottoms because I was the ONLY one in capris....I get it, the muscles need to be warm haha. So to Ross I go! If I can't find anything, I've seen some nice stuff on Nordstorm Rack and Beyond Yoga....SALES. Can't pay full price.

I think I stopped 5 times in the 55 minutes. I would say that's a win!!!!! I'm actually trying to gauge if I can fit in another class before Saturday. I have Pilates two nights in a row this week so I'd like to try and make a few more Barre classes....gotta make the most out of the unlimited package I purchased!

I'm very happy with my choice this morning and am looking forward to next time :)

Be well my sweet readers.

First Barre class

Yesterday was my first barre class. I went out on a limb and am trying something new and it was really fast paced and hard to follow. I was very frustrated at the end because honestly, I thought I was in better shape than this class is making me think. To be called active and fit a few days ago and then go to this class and I'm having to stop a bunch and drink water, that's frustrating! Well, I stayed the whole 55 minutes even though I wanted to quit. I will be going back even though I really don't want to......I left there feeling kinda sore, kinda shakey...shakey is their thing. They want you to "find your shake" and "be the best you can be" and you're "strong!" okay, okay, I get it! I've never been into the motivation piece of group classes like that. It's low impact but high energy and I was so not feeling it. I resolved in my head that I have to give it a shot and not just dismiss it...which is my pattern. Maybe it's the instructor and the people in the class. Who knows.

I will say that I was skeptical due to the lack of soreness until I woke up this morning. I'm sore around my  side-ribcage, aka my obliques. This is a soreness I haven't felt there before. I haven't felt so sore I say ouch when I lift myself up or bend a certain way. I will call this a win. I'm sad my seat (butt) isn't sore but I guess that will come. Eventually...

Going forward, I've scheduled myself for 2 days a week. I have pilates later today and if I'm not super sore, I might attempt another barre class tomorrow or monday. Who knows. Keep ya posted!