Updates :)

Good morning my fun and friendly readers,

It's been a minute since I've posted so let me take a minute and update you:

1. I was in the Bay area last week. Eating was fascinating! I went armed with RXbars, Primal Kitchen Primal Fuel, some gluten-free Kind granola, and a host of other goodies. Eating in a city is sort of easier than eating here in the Inland Empire. I was able to go to Mariposa Bakery a few times which lead me to eating a lot of amazing gluten free amazingness! I was so excited. If you are in San Fransisco, please go there! I HIGHLY recommend it (though I haven't written my yelp review yet--I don't think). Please do yourself a favor and go there. It was incredible. I had cinnamon buns, chocolate chunk cookies, and the most amazing sandwiches. SOOOO GOOD! Other than that, I listened to my body and had some delicious sushi, Korean food, and Peruivan food. Let me tell you about this place: Pica Pica was worth the 10 minute Muni or Bart ride. I ate SO well. I had the Taro Nachos and it was like I died and went to heaven. Please go there, too! Being gluten-free or Paleo isn't so bad as long as you don't give it too much power.

If you are worried about elimination or trying new things, there are resources. Allow yourself to grieve for the food you will leave behind but please know there are good alternatives out there! I'm so happy with my choice and it's all about find what works for you.

2. I stopped Barre a few months ago. For a variety of reasons but I've been feeling like I wanted to do Pilates again recently. It really helped heal my knee, which I kinda messed up again and my back :D but that's another story.

So I started Pilates again on Tuesday close to my new apartment. It's like Classical Pilates and Barre had a baby. It's fun and energic. It was interesting to see my body remember all the Pilates moves. You may or may not know this, but I did Pilates for two years before switching to Barre. Now I'm switching it up again. I haven't given up on Barre forever, just taking a break.

The Pilates class was great. I enjoyed being on the Cadillac again, it felt like being home. I've always thought I would someday take classes to become an instructor so maybe when I have "normal" job ;)

3.Coffee update!!!! While at the conference in SF, I really wanted to drink coffee but I resisted. Until Sunday! We were on the ocean, having brunch and I just wanted the cup in my hand. So I asked for decaf and put regular milk in it. I only drank half of the cup and was fine. This morning...I'm drinking a small amount of cold brew with almond milk. I feel good and am feeling like maybe every once and awhile, I can do this. I've been without coffee for 2 months and I'm in no way wanting to go back to what I was doing before. So here's to trying it out!

4. I started diffusing essential oils before bed and it's life changing! I have a beautiful diffuser and oils from Do Terra. It's such a good choice to diffuse oils. I feel like it calms me down and makes me sleepy, well the lavender does. I'm waiting for more oils, so stay tuned!

Thanks for reading!

Primal Kitchen Mayo!

Last week was the first time I tried the Primal Kitchen Mayo I purchased in my latest Thrive Market order. And I have to share a secret....It's amazing!!!!!! I don't remember what Hellmen's tastes like but I think it was sour and tart and not very yummy. But this Primal Kitchen Mayo is out of this world. I cannot say enough good things about it. I made BLTA (BLT plus Avocado) over the weekend just like my stepmom use to make and the mayo made them SOOOOOOO good. I'm really impressed with Primal Kitchen's products. I'm a happy camper! Check it out! It's very good and if you buy it through Thrive Market, it's cheaper than off the website :D

Siete Quesadilla

Yesterday, I decided to make a quesadilla with my left-over grass fed steak and the amazing Siete Tortillas.  OMG, I was in heaven! I heated up the steak in a pan with ghee and removed when the steak was browned.  Grated raw milk cheddar cheese. Cut the lettuce and avocado.  I put one tortilla into the heated ghee and let that brown a bit. I layered cheese to melt, then steak, then more cheese and another tortilla. OMG. I really can't stop raving about how good it was. I wish I had had more steak because I would've made more. These tortillas are no joke. I'm so glad I took a leap of faith and ordered a bunch. I highly recommend them!

Primal fuel

As promised, here is the review of Primal Fuel by Primal Kitchen.

This morning I woke up almost giddy to try my new primal fuel! I opened it and mixed it with Califa Almond Milk and it was really good. It wasn't grainy or had an intense texture. The flavor was perfect (chocolate coconut) with no gross aftertaste and it mixed pretty easily in with the almond milk. There was some powder on the side of the glass that I sort of just mixed in with my finger. I think a blender would be needed to make it more creamy but I didn't mind.

This powder has 20 grams of protein! It's supposed to be a meal replacement but we will see how that turns out for me haha. On the weekend, I typically eat two breakfasts anyway. And it's moving weekend so I need to eat a lot!

So there is much debate on what's in it. The ingredients are listed (I think there's 6 of them--all things I know) and under the "contains" section it states there's soy. But the ingredients don't list soy. So I'll keep you posted because I'm allergic to soy --thankfully not deathly--but I'll itch or knock out.

Overall, get this powder, it's a great powder if you are into those!

Paleo and the critics

There are many times I critic Paleo and the existing isms that are within the Paleo industry. For example, most of the folks who have Paleo books are (mostly) white, appear middle class and heterosexual. You know me. I think about these things. I think about the intersection of class and Paleo as well as race and Paleo. Most of the products that are "Paleo friendly" are made by white folks.

Well, as I've said in a previous post, I bought Siete Tortillas. When I exclaimed my excitement to my partner, I was met with resistance because of the common assumption that Paleo is white. I was SO excited to share the story of Siete with her! So here it is:

Veronica, of Siete Family Foods battles an autoimmune disease and her family came together to support her transition to new foods. She made these tortillas that are praised within this world. I'm SO excited for them to arrive today that I want to make all the things! I love Mexican food and often times grin and bear the consumption of corn tortillas but I won't have to any longer! I'm SO excited.

Check them out. I'll make some good food this weekend, photograph it and let ya know how it goes!

Lack of appetite and Primal Fuel

Does this happen to anyone else? Every year, not at the same time, I generally cannot be bothered with food. The act of chewing annoys me. The lack of ease of meals annoys me. I just cannot be bothered. This morning was no exception. I had no interest in cooking eggs so I drank a Rebbl and am going to eat an RX bar in a bit. I think I need to make some stuff ahead of time so I can just grab and go. What are your favorite grab and go meals? I know there are some in various Paleo cookbooks I own so when I move, I'll check it out and see what I can make ahead on Sundays and eat throughout the week with the intermixing of my new Primal Fuel by Primal Kitchen. Check it out! I'm super excited about it! I don't generally like protein powders but this one is recommended by one of the advocates for Paleo so I figure it'll be alright and a nice way to get protein when I just can't be bothered with eating.

I went ahead and got some no sugar added almond milk from Sprouts this morning so I will try the Primal Fuel tonight or tomorrow :)

Becoming Strict with Paleo!

I've made the choice to become stricter with Paleo and while doing that I find myself actually not wanting to eat. Not because I am striking food but because I'm not hungry. That's new for me. Well not exactly new, this happens every few years. I've gone ahead and ordered some products to help my transition back into strict Paleo.

Check out Primal Kitchen! One of my close friends swears by the Chipotle mayo so that was purchased haha.

I ordered all my products through Thrive Market and I saved $40 and got TWO free gifts! Two mustards by Sir Kensington that we've wanted to try so I'm excited!

Also in the mail is Siete's Tortillas. I see them all over other blogs so I took that plunge and bought a case so I can freeze them and enjoy them this summer.

Pretty excited about my purchases! When I get them, I'll do some reviewing for you!

Until then, enjoy Thursday!

New Hair Product Alert!

Greetings faithful and loyal readers,

I have started using a new shampoo and conditioner at the suggestion of my hair stylist (Anny VanDriel--she's BOMB! check her out). I've been using their product, Milk for over a year and love it. But now they have a shampoo and conditioner. It's called NUDE and I absolutely love it. I've bene using it a week and my hair feels amazing. So I was curious if they were gluten free and turns out THEY ARE! They have a pretty incredible story: http://www.gmreverie.com/about/


Here are the products I use:

Milk, NUDE: Shampoo and Conditioner: http://www.gmreverie.com/shop/

They are pricey but they are worth it for the amazing outcome and quality ingredients in the product :)

Check it out :)

Be Vulnerable

My new anthem is going to be "be vulnerable."

Something my week at NSO taught me was to allow myself not to be the expert; be a sponge, be vulnerable to everything, especially the process of starting school and today, I applied it to Barre.

I've been going to Barre for over a year and today humbled me. I was a wreck. I thought it was because I hadn't been in a week but it wasn't about that, it was new and challenging. Challenges change you. If I'm not vulnerable to challenges, I won't grow. That being said, I just slowed down, took it in and fell into the space of vulnerability. How special that I have found this place? How amazing that I am giving myself permission to be a primary school kid again (that's my mentor's favorite phrase). I do not have not have to know it all. I do not have to be the best in the room. This is a marathon NOT a sprint.

Apply that to eating.
Apply that to life.
Apply that to work.
Apply that to school.
Apply that to working out.

You will burn yourself out by starting with such force that you cannot sustain. How important is that lesson? It's not about how quickly you do things. This is something that has taken me A LONG time to understand. 

When we are vulnerable, we open ourselves to new experiences and challenges. There is no point in becoming comfortable because things will always change. I'm so happy to be internalizing my mentor's advice so early. It's going to make a world of difference in all aspects of my life not just my studies but my eating, my working out, my relationships.

Hero

It wasn't until college that I found folks to admire. I wasn't that kid who had a hero who was a celebrity. I really didn't find my place until I was at Clark. I didn't find people who truly believed in my until I was a junior at Clark. So to this day, I have few mentors and fewer folks I look to for advice and for guidance. In a lot of ways, my years at Clark and the countless times I sat on the Dean's chair across from her, looking at her photos and thinking what a wonderful dean she was, I was lucky. I saw in her something I wanted to be. It was from that experience that I knew I wanted to be a dean. Well, I've been on the road to Dean-ship since I graduated grad school but tomorrow I begin my latest strategic move toward that goal of becoming a dean of students. Tomorrow I begin my PhD program. I really did not know if I would make it to this point. Not many of you know my educational story so I think on the eve of my going back to school, I shall share:

Settle in with some coffee because this is a long one....

When I was 7 or 8, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and held back in the second grade due to a catastrophic death of my grandfather and the divorce of my parents. I wasn't attending school the way I should so the kept me in the second grade. From the diagnosis I was put into special education classes. It was a space that allowed for me to take extra time on things but it was really torture. Those "classes" completely failed me. The teacher was awful. I still remember her. She had no desire to be there and had no desire to actually help us. I was acting out in class and my parents were being called a lot for various meetings.

Flash forward to high school: I had two teachers that actually gave me and my intelligence the time of day. One of those teachers started tutoring me and that helped because I could sense she cared. But other than her and her class, I was drowning in my lack of being able to focus on my work or my academics because I was also figuring my identity out and choir gave me a chance to focus and really be around people who "got me." I fell in love my junior year of high school with an amazing human who was a year younger. She was so smart. AP classes and here I am in special ed, being told I was dumb, not getting good grades at all but she loved me too. I started skipping classes and getting detentions, then I'd skip those and get In-School suspension but then I skipped that by telling the teacher I had an exam in choir--who believes a 17 year old??? I did stint in summer school as to not be held back again but then another catastrophe happened...not for this blog but to give you context, my girlfriend's mother discovered our love and I moved in with my dad. 

Moving in with my dad was the best decision I ever made. I made a conscious choice that I was worth more than what I allowed myself to be. Yes, I have disabilities but I figured out who I was and I was comfortable with that. I didn't see anyone at my new high school that looked like me but I found the most amazing group of friends (we are all still friends to this day). I was welcomed and loved despite my past. I was accepted into this group with no questions asked.

Luckily I think I was able to forego special ed classes which was awesome! I was just like everyone else! I started applying to college and was rejected by every school, except one but I wasn't in love. My family decided to send me to a community college...BEST DECISION EVER. For two years, I was able to focus on school and getting involved. I was so involved. I became the Student Government President and with the belief of some awesome people, including my new partner, I was applying to transfer! I was learning about various colleges and was doing so well, I thought, let's go for a reach school!

Clark was my top choice. I didn't care about my SAT scores--which were maybe 1000. My parents and I went to Clark and visited. I remember very clearly my parents being skeptical that I'd get in because of my past in education. The Director of Admissions didn't seem phased by my past and was certain that I would get in. Boy was he right! I applied to three schools: Northeastern, Clark and American University. I got into all three and Clark was number 1! So I went. I did well in classes. And that's how I met my mentor, the dean I mentioned earlier.

It was at Clark that I met the most supportive people. From faculty, to student affairs staff, to admission staff, all of whom I keep in touch with; I was cared for and felt like I had a place. I have friends from Clark that even after all these years we see each other. I made some of the best friends there. I found my voice at Clark and found a place to consider home. (I should be donating more money then.) 

I'm telling you all this because it's been in the past 10 years that I've become what I wanted. A supportive mentor for students. I have become someone that I would have admired. I reach every day for my goals to give students, who might be just like me (struggling, longing, wanting to be accepted and wanting to thrive) someone to look up to. So I became who I needed 10 years ago. I keep that goal in mind as I wake up each day.

And tomorrow, I embark on the next section of this dream. Become a dean like the ones I had at Clark who accepted and loved me and pushed me to dream big and not accept failure. They challenged me to change the world and I'm doing that, one day at a time. Tomorrow I become a doctoral student. I do it with all these memories and stories right inside my head. I carry all those people in my community in my heart as I enter this new stage in life. I'm nervous but I do it with everyone cheering me on. Another day closer to Dr. Verlezza. 

Cooking the perfect steak

I have perfected the perfect medium rare steak.

First, get the skillet or pan hot while the pan gets hot, pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Take the steak and put it in the pan on medium-low heat. Cook without disturbing for 5 minutes then flip. After both sides have cooked, season--I'm using Primal Palate's meat and potato seasoning. Cook for another 5 minutes on each side in butter (or ghee). Then stick the steak in a pan in the oven for 15 minutes (flip in between). Let rest for another 5 minutes and voila! Perfect medium rare steak. 

Under the steak is organic jasmine rice from trader joe's. I did eat the ENTIRE plate of food and feel so good. Perfect meal in just one hour.

Enjoy!

Easy peasie frittata

This morning I was uninterested in standing over the stove to cook eggs, sausage and sweet potatoes. All the things I need post work-out. So I did a quick pinterest search and in a matter of 45 minutes, start to finish, I had this amazing egg frittata (or what I'm calling a frittata).  I cut up a whole sweet potato, one bunch of scallions(green onions), and 2 chicken apple sausage. I used 6 eggs and some almond milk. I seasoned it all with primalpalate 's Adobe seasoning. It was in the oven for 35 minutes at 350 and there you have it! Perfect breakfast on the go! It was so yummy. I ate it pretty fast. I cut it into 4 pieces and will eat it for breakfast the next few days. So for me the serving would be about 4, maybe 5. If you are feeding more people, just add more eggs and use a larger dish. This wasn't terribly hard and you can even prep the night before. Or cook the night before to be re-heated in the morning! It's really tasty and in my opinion the best alternative to standing in front of the stove for 30 minutes in the morning...yes, it takes sweet potatoes a long time to cook. The only downfall is I had to leave dishes in the sink which means I go home to more dishes than I'd like to do.

Body by butter

Today I experimented with Cassava flour. It honestly was the best idea I've ever had.  I've never had such delicious cinnamon rolls, well I did when I was eating gluten ;) These are the best gluten free cinnamon rolls I've had in 3 years. They were delicious! It took a while to get the dough right but in the end they were well worth it! I topped them with some melted butter, coconut sugar, Primal Palate's cinnamon sugar cookie spice (which I got for Christmas thanks to my sweetie!) and they were to die for. I'm very pleased! I smell like butter. My original plan was to make ham and biscuits and sweet potatoes. But the movie we went to was long so we threw away the plan and went to get Korean bbq! I really love that we do our own thing and make Christmas our own. 

Don't those cinnamon rolls look incredible?! It took 45 minutes start to finish!

Nourish your body, nourish your face

Hello again. I love that I've gotten back into writing. It's been a long time coming and since I'm making some changes, I figure I can start writing about them. So I'm three weeks into my new cleansing of my face and I couldn't be happier. It's been funny to see how I have yet to break out on my face. I've had a clear face for 3 weeks. But my back and my hairline are a completely different story. Yesterday, I went to the chiropractor and left so much oil on the paper they put down for your face and I laughed. I use to be self conscious of my oily face and now I'm singing it's praises. I'm quite pleased with my face. It's really looking good. I do wish there was a way to cleanse my whole body with FatFace. I'll keep researching.

On the topic of bodies, my dry/wet brush came over the weekend and I started using it. The brush is to help detox the body. I've read that it tightens skin, gets rid of stretch marks and helps in detox. I started with a little brush a few weeks ago, only on my stomach and have seen a noticeable difference in my stretch marks. Yesterday, I began a more routined dry brushing and I'm hoping my stretch marks will completely disappear. I do see a difference in the softness of my skin on my tummy. So in a week or so, I'll post a before and after photo with a review of the particular dry brush I purchased--Primal Palate has a review and was the one who gave me the idea to buy this particular brush.

In terms of food, the semester is over which means the dining hall is closed and I'm back to my own devices. This is not a bad thing per say because I have more say over what I eat and I see a huge difference when I'm not eating rice every day. But this weekend was vacation! We went to Vegas and I must say it's never easy to be super strict with my eating but this weekend was easier! We were prepared with snacks: hazelnut butter, gluten free chex, clementines, almond crackers and water! We ate some really great meals during our time. We went to this place I found a few years ago that serves gluten free pancakes, which I don't get very often so I indulged....two days in a row. I tend to do research on where I'll be so I make sure that I have some options. It's really hard to find gourmet food that's also gluten free. During my research before going to Vegas, I found a place that serves gluten free fried chicken, so we made a reservation and ate an amazing meal there! Our entire meal was gluten free: shrimp and grits, fried chicken and cauliflower, mashed potatoes! I ate so much. But it's rare to find good food that is mostly clean and doesn't make me feel sick. I even had a drink! We shared a bourbon lemonade drink and it was delicious! 

Now with the holidays approaching, I'm playing with different food ideas. I'm going to make some cinnamon rolls and biscuits from Cassava flour. I've read really good things about it so I went ahead and got some so I could try different treats. I think too much almond flour gives me a tummy ache and I'd like to try to eat like a non-allergic person during the holidays.

Other things on the menu are: ham, sweet potatoes, salad, and gluten free 3 ingredient peanut butter cookies. This is the one time of year I get peanut butter kiss cookies so I make them a little differently than most people but I love them. And holidays are the time to indulge. 

Speaking of indulging, yesterday a package came for me. It was "Shari's Berries" (a student sent me a thank you) and those berries were better than any edible arrangement I've ever had! They are priced reasonably and make a great gift. They tasted great! I highly recommend them!!!

I shall keep you posted on the stretch mark situation and the holiday food situation! :) 

Happy holidays!!!!!! Thanks for reading.

Centered

This morning at Barre was awesome. Lots of great things happened, including a kick-ass workout. I exchanged numbers with one of the instructors...which was AWESOME. She thinks I'm kidding but I'm so not. We got to talking about how we weren't the cool kids or the popular kids. Which got me thinking a lot about how before I started loving myself, I don't think I was very like-able. I always thought I was an acquired taste, not the nicest, stand offish, and honestly, rude. Why did I think this? Well, I was told I was this way frequently. I had friends. A handful. I was very good with that. I felt like I wasn't the best person and those who liked me, well, I was lucky! 

Then through the years, I got older, and actually started liking myself and things began to shit. Once I started to be nicer to myself, I was nicer to others and I just gained a larger circle. When I moved to California, I was married and didn't feel like I needed friends. I did go into social settings worried about my mouth--which I was told I ran off too much--and feeling very bruised. I was constantly worried about messing up and really making a fool of myself as I had always done previously. (I still worry about that to some extent but I've relaxed more in social settings.) Since the divorce, now two years ago, I've grown, a lot.

I've been able to accept myself and really love myself. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my hobbies and found this confidence that I think has translated to how I act in public.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I never thought I was like-able until today...or really the past 2-3 months. Joining Barre was the best decision for a number of reasons but really because I've gotten outta my shell and found common ground with people who see me. Who don't care about my degrees, my weight, my hair, my sexuality, my job. They just like me. WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me. 

I was blind for so many years. I thought I had to be this big, tough, hard-shelled person and once I accepted myself, I found out that I'm pretty great.

This morning I was given a cell phone number of someone I admire and she thinks I'm joking but I so am not! And a friend left a bottle of my favorite champagne on my car. I'm blown away. I'm myself and I guess myself is like-able. I think it's amazing that it's taken me 30 years to just be me and not apologize for it but also not change to fit other's expectations of me. Being who I am, nothing more, nothing less, is pretty rewarding.

I think part of my loving myself was being able to find a way of eating that worked for me. I'm not constantly tired or miserable. I'm able to enjoy life because my stomach isn't constantly upset. I really think my diet had a lot to do with my lack of being able to be nice or pleasant. Once I took control over my life (my health, my diet, my exercise, my marriage) everything started to fall into place!

Thanks for being my readers and most importantly, my friends.

Skin is important--FatFace review

A number of years ago I got a facial at a place in my former home of Western MA. Since that facial, I've used Dermologica clay face wash. It's been years I tell you. I loved it. It really felt good. Then all of sudden a few months ago I started thinking about all the crap on my body in the shower...soap, shampoo, conditioner, and face wash. Before I was thinking about that, I thought about deodorant because every time I applied it, my arm pits burned. So about 6 months ago I changed my deodorant to Tom's natural. It was awesome. Once I started thinking about my entire body, I'd freak out a little on the inside and not tell anyone I was thinking about it. But I couldn't help but wonder what was happening inside my body due to what I was apply on the outside. So on "black friday" someone I follow on Instagram, put up a code for "fatface skin care" to get 20% off. I thought about it and read up on the line and thought, "what could it hurt to try something new?" Well I've never been happier! I love my new face oil...yup oil on my face despite being told my skin is "oily." My face has NEVER felt so clean as it does after I use the oil.

I will admit that it's weird because the ingredients of the products I purchased are actual real nourishing, pronounceable ingredients. I feel classist applying them and so privileged for nourishing my skin this way. That being said, this face regime is cheaper than the Dermologica stuff I was using and my face actually feels clean rather than heavy and clogged. I don't wear makeup so I don't worry about that but what's wonderful is I don't have to apply the oil every day. I've been sick all week--I do wonder if that has anything to do with my changing my skin regimen though it's probably not related--and haven't showered every day and haven't cleansed my face every day. And it's totally fine.

I really like the products. I use less of them and my face feels amazing. Next step, I might try the body butta. The price is a lot so I wonder how much I need to have skin that feels moisturized. The ingredients sound good so I imagine it'll smell nice.  Maybe next pay day...we'll see.

But if you are allergic to things or looking to try something with fewer chemicals, FatFace is the way to go!

Endo is the worst. Round 2

Last night I was at a concert and I was shown some photos of myself and I thought it was odd that my belly looked so bloated. This morning I got up and oh hey, my period decided to come for a visit.

This wouldn't be so bad if my day ended the way it started. Tonight we were suppose to go see the Pentatonix but my endo is FLARED and pissed. Currently, I'm on meds and can feel the cramps in my toes. And guess what? No concert for us. My stupid chronic illness, pain, or whatever you want to call it, has ruined another thing I wanted to do. Thank god I have my appointment on Wednesday with the specialist because this is getting ridiculous!

Stopping life for this is so hard. I hate it so much. I always feel like such a failure because I've disappointed someone, or myself, because it hinders activity. Pure Barre started their 20 in 31 challenge today and I pray this period doesn't last a week because A. the challenge  and B. I'm going to be in Alabama with students...that would be an awkward trip. jk. It'd be fine but I'd be in pain and that's not fun, especially traveling.

What does it mean to have a flare up? Well if you look below, there's a picture. The "patches of endo" are just to show what it looks like. My patches are not where the diagram shows. Mine are on my ureter and urinary bladder. What that means for my level of pain is that the pain is intensified and I feel it down my left leg. It's so strong that sometimes I loose feeling in that leg. (Hence, my saying I could feel it in my toes.) The pain is so great that I often can barely move. While in the tub earlier, it was really hard to find a comfortable position because pressure feels good but it's hard when you're less than 5' and the tub is longer than you.

What are the next steps? Well, with my visit to my new doctor happening Wednesday, I'm hoping we can figure something out. Whether that be surgery to explore how things look in there or it's some kind of natural solution, something is better than my current state.

I have no idea if I'm going to be in extreme pain tomorrow and have no idea if this will impede my ability to go to work and that sucks. I have no way of knowing what's next and I have no gauge on when it will happen because it often times just sneaks up.

It's funny because I have all sorts of memories around my period and the mind blowing cramps. I remember the bathroom stalls at my middle school and having cramps so bad I passed out on the toilet. I remember being in the bathroom at my moms on the floor and passing out. I remember being in the car with my dad, stepmom, gram, and brother, looking at houses and feeling like I was going to die. I had to have my dad stop at a random 7-11 type to get me pads and I remember almost passing out in the bathroom. I've spent a lot of time on the ground due to my periods. My gastro and cardio docs said it's because my body can't handle the pain and it just shuts down to protect me. Can you imagine how great and intense that pain must be? I don't even know what to compare it to because like everything in my life, I thought this was normal. I don't even know what it feels like to not have cramps or not feel like I'm going to pass out. This has been 20 years in the making. What was normal? What is normal? Debilitating cramps, constipation or diarrhea, back pain and sometimes tunnel vision, leading to passing out; all normal for me. It's sad but true. My life pauses when it happens and I just have to wait for it to pass.

I'm not saying all this for anyone to feel sorry for me but to rather raise awareness seeing as it's Endo Awareness Month.


**Since starting this post (at like 7pm and it's now 9:42pm) the pain has subsided into a dull ache and at the same time sharp pains.

Two years of Paleo!

Two years ago when I entered into this lifestyle, I was so unsure it was for me. I wasn't doing it for me. I was happy with my yo-yo dieting and my gluten filled foods that made me feel like crap. I always thought it was me not the food. I'm here today to say I've made it two years! Two years of eating the same way, more 80-20 than 100% strict Paleo and I'm good with that. I'm very good with how I look right now.

I had lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Paleo and I was telling her about my 80-20 and she said something that stuck with me. "Victoria, you have this down. It's not about being strict it's about being mindful and being intentional with the food. You know that." And it was nice to hear! I am more intentional with my food and have made good choices for my body.  I also have to say I'm not really a snacker anymore. I haven't found that I want snacks. Two years later, I'm not starving mid day but I am ALWAYS hungry between breakfast and lunch for some reason so on days I work out, I up my breakfast intake! It's all about patience and figuring out what works.

I feel I was constantly comparing myself to others. I think the transition to Paleo and starting Pilates in Dec 2013 and now Barre in 2015 has really helped me to focus on myself and stop looking so much at others and desiring their body or their fitness level. I am who I am and I like where I am and I will continue to grow as each year passes.

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In terms of working out and helping myself along in the clothing department:

I went a little wild last week and ordered a bunch of new workout clothes. I was working with 10 year old pants and things that just didn't fit right. Lots of my things were intended to hid my previous body. These new clothes are meant to sit closer and hold a little tighter. I'm very self-conscious still, even after 2 years of loosing weight and eating in a way that makes me feel good and maybe that's something that will always be around. I might always be self-conscious in certain clothes.

So what have two years of Paleo taught me? Dedication. Commitment. Responsibility to my body. The value of seeing something through (in relationship to Pilates and working out regularly). Mood, mind clarity and sleep quality is all dependent on the food we eat. Patience; nothing comes easy especially when it comes to my body.

Thanks for reading even though it's much of my rambling.

here's some inspiration:

I have to remind myself everyday I can do what I set my mind to.

This is what I aspire to; fit not skinny! Strong is the new skinny, right?!

First Barre class

Yesterday was my first barre class. I went out on a limb and am trying something new and it was really fast paced and hard to follow. I was very frustrated at the end because honestly, I thought I was in better shape than this class is making me think. To be called active and fit a few days ago and then go to this class and I'm having to stop a bunch and drink water, that's frustrating! Well, I stayed the whole 55 minutes even though I wanted to quit. I will be going back even though I really don't want to......I left there feeling kinda sore, kinda shakey...shakey is their thing. They want you to "find your shake" and "be the best you can be" and you're "strong!" okay, okay, I get it! I've never been into the motivation piece of group classes like that. It's low impact but high energy and I was so not feeling it. I resolved in my head that I have to give it a shot and not just dismiss it...which is my pattern. Maybe it's the instructor and the people in the class. Who knows.

I will say that I was skeptical due to the lack of soreness until I woke up this morning. I'm sore around my  side-ribcage, aka my obliques. This is a soreness I haven't felt there before. I haven't felt so sore I say ouch when I lift myself up or bend a certain way. I will call this a win. I'm sad my seat (butt) isn't sore but I guess that will come. Eventually...

Going forward, I've scheduled myself for 2 days a week. I have pilates later today and if I'm not super sore, I might attempt another barre class tomorrow or monday. Who knows. Keep ya posted!

Evolution Through Pictures

                                  

                                                          No diet, no weight watchers. Just pure 180 lbs of me in 2007. I was a size 14 there

                                                         

                                                           Spring Break 2008  

                                             

                                      Summer 2008

                              

                                                         May 2009 Clark Graduation, was on weight watchers. Size 12 and 160

                                               

                                     October 2009

                                              

                                                              Notice the pizza.. 2010. Size 10 and on weight watchers, still




                                                    HUGE gap in photos between 2010 and 2012...wonder why

                    

                                          Family photo shoot, 2012, size 12 still but convinced I can fit in my size 14 (wears like a 10) wedding dress

October 2012, that dress is a 14 and no longer fits

May 2013, purchased that dress at Target and it was tight when I got it but fit perfectly in May!

July 2013, weighing 145lbs wearing a medium skirt and a medium top

June 2014

       

December 2014