This wouldn't be so bad if my day ended the way it started. Tonight we were suppose to go see the Pentatonix but my endo is FLARED and pissed. Currently, I'm on meds and can feel the cramps in my toes. And guess what? No concert for us. My stupid chronic illness, pain, or whatever you want to call it, has ruined another thing I wanted to do. Thank god I have my appointment on Wednesday with the specialist because this is getting ridiculous!
Stopping life for this is so hard. I hate it so much. I always feel like such a failure because I've disappointed someone, or myself, because it hinders activity. Pure Barre started their 20 in 31 challenge today and I pray this period doesn't last a week because A. the challenge and B. I'm going to be in Alabama with students...that would be an awkward trip. jk. It'd be fine but I'd be in pain and that's not fun, especially traveling.
What does it mean to have a flare up? Well if you look below, there's a picture. The "patches of endo" are just to show what it looks like. My patches are not where the diagram shows. Mine are on my ureter and urinary bladder. What that means for my level of pain is that the pain is intensified and I feel it down my left leg. It's so strong that sometimes I loose feeling in that leg. (Hence, my saying I could feel it in my toes.) The pain is so great that I often can barely move. While in the tub earlier, it was really hard to find a comfortable position because pressure feels good but it's hard when you're less than 5' and the tub is longer than you.
What are the next steps? Well, with my visit to my new doctor happening Wednesday, I'm hoping we can figure something out. Whether that be surgery to explore how things look in there or it's some kind of natural solution, something is better than my current state.
I have no idea if I'm going to be in extreme pain tomorrow and have no idea if this will impede my ability to go to work and that sucks. I have no way of knowing what's next and I have no gauge on when it will happen because it often times just sneaks up.
It's funny because I have all sorts of memories around my period and the mind blowing cramps. I remember the bathroom stalls at my middle school and having cramps so bad I passed out on the toilet. I remember being in the bathroom at my moms on the floor and passing out. I remember being in the car with my dad, stepmom, gram, and brother, looking at houses and feeling like I was going to die. I had to have my dad stop at a random 7-11 type to get me pads and I remember almost passing out in the bathroom. I've spent a lot of time on the ground due to my periods. My gastro and cardio docs said it's because my body can't handle the pain and it just shuts down to protect me. Can you imagine how great and intense that pain must be? I don't even know what to compare it to because like everything in my life, I thought this was normal. I don't even know what it feels like to not have cramps or not feel like I'm going to pass out. This has been 20 years in the making. What was normal? What is normal? Debilitating cramps, constipation or diarrhea, back pain and sometimes tunnel vision, leading to passing out; all normal for me. It's sad but true. My life pauses when it happens and I just have to wait for it to pass.
I'm not saying all this for anyone to feel sorry for me but to rather raise awareness seeing as it's Endo Awareness Month.
**Since starting this post (at like 7pm and it's now 9:42pm) the pain has subsided into a dull ache and at the same time sharp pains.
No comments:
Post a Comment