How's it going?

hello blogger world!

It's a rainy Sunday morning here in Southern California and life has been busy. I started a reboot two weeks ago that failed this week due to SO many receptions at work. The end of the semester is so tough on my eating habits due to catering's amazing gluten free cookies. I have zero willpower against them. Most of all, they perfected the recipe in part because of me so I feel guilty not enjoying one. But I'm going to start the reboot again soon.

I didn't post about the reboot so here's a recap:  Two weeks ago one of us decided they were going to partake in the 21-day superhero challenge and the other is going to do a whole 30 type deal but not so strict. This was a decision I made while in the grocery store two weekends ago. I was feeling very much like I need a reboot in terms of food and what better time than now? I bought the staples because that's easy. And I'm trying to not stress myself out by being super strict with myself while adhering to the rules of whole 30. The reboot is more about getting back on track than losing weight. I've been SUPER lax about my diet because PHD and hectic work/life. When I had my three hour class this past term, I indulged with frozen gluten free pizza. Well, I started seeing and feeling those effects. I really needed to cut out sugar and I started when I cut out coffee because I was adding refined sugar to my cups. But we now know I got off track and will start again soon!

This morning, after a night of friends, graduation, and some alcohol, I woke up feeling like this rainy day really needed some coffee. I've been without it for six weeks and I felt like I could try to reintroduce it into my system but not at the levels I was drinking it. I'm sitting here enjoying some cold brew with some coconut milk creamer. I have never had Califa cold brew so I thought I'd give it a go. Check it out! It's SUPER smooth and tastes perfect. My anxiety isn't spiked and I'm not even sure my heart rate is increased. When I introduced sugar while doing my reboot, it was obvious that I had had sugar because my heart rate was through the roof! Then I crashed. I'm pretty excited that this coffee hasn't spiked anything and I'm feeling good.

The cold brew is high quality and I think if I had tried something like dunkin donuts or starbucks, I would've been screwed. I'm glad I went with a high quality cold brew to try it out!  The coconut milk creamer is by SO delicious and it is SO delicious.  I forgot how yummy it is!

This is kind of the perfect Sunday. I'm listening to Alabama Shakes, drinking coffee, listening to the rain with a cat attacking me with love (literally he's biting me when I stop petting him).

I'm off to do some reading for class. :) Thanks for reading! I'll update again soon!

Hugs!

Day three of the breaking the addiction diaries

Today was day three of no coffee. It was harder than the weekend. I'm significantly more aware of my headache and an overall sense of tiredness. I'm feeling more irritable which I'm linking to the lack of coffee. That said, I did drink 4-5 cups of tea today. Nowhere near as much caffeine as before but generally felt like I was constantly drinking.

It's going to take awhile to break this addiction but I do feel the difference. My blood sugar isn't spiked and I'm really not anxious, just irritable :D I'm sure that will go away. There is a good chance I'm going to bed early tonight because I'm feeling that tired.

Outside of coffee detox, I hit my goal for steps three days in a row and am feeling generally pretty good about my eating. Now to integrate stretching and more strength training! My legs, hips, and back are bothering me so I will be seeing the chiropractor this week as well as making a massage appointment. It's really important to listen to your body and do what you can. I know I haven't been doing much of anything for two months but slow I will get back to my typical movements. Just need to listen to my body for now during this detox.

I think tonight I'm going to reward myself with a nice bath with some essential oils my close friend sent me. I think I deserve it :)

Night!

Day two of zero coffee

I've gone two days! 36 hours give or take with no coffee! I even went out to breakfast to a place that has the BEST almond milk lattes and I resisted! That said, I think it was decided I can have coffee every so often once I'm completely weened off of it. Here I am the evening of day two and I have a slight headache. Yesterday I didn't have any terrible headaches or anything but I did sleep until 11am this morning. I'm not sure if that's the amount of walking (in the sun) we did yesterday or if that was a result of the coffee withdrawal. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

It's amazing how coffee affects me. I get really shakey and my blood sugar spikes and I'm feeling semi alright. Next step: give up sugar. I think once I kick coffee, the whole 30 or 21 day sugar detox might be easier.

Stay tuned! Here's to day 3!

Day one of breaking the addicition

This morning I wanted to wake up and make a delicious cup of coffee. I was really looking forward to it, then I remembered, nope, no more coffee. So instead, I used my coffee pot to make the water for the tea. I'm on my second cup of green tea peppermint from Traditional Medicinals (a brand that I know for a fact is organic, without pesticides and gluten free). So far, so good. I'm excited to see how this change changes my body. 

Apparently there are reported benefits of drinking tea. I wouldn't drink just any tea though. There are teas with a lot of crap in them so choose wisely but here are the benefits:

Taken from : http://www.today.com/series/one-small-thing/top-10-health-benefits-drinking-tea-t81111

• Tea contains antioxidants.
• Tea has less caffeine than coffee.
• Tea may reduce your risk of heart attack and stroke.
• Tea may help with weight loss.
• Tea may help protect your bones.
• Tea may keep your smile bright.
• Tea may boost the immune system.
• Tea may help battle cancer.

Here's to day one! I'll be reporting back :)

Saying goodbye to coffee

Today I went to a new therapist. It was decided that she is going to make changes in my diet and she will start with my coffee intake. She decided this pretty damn fast. So I'm saying goodbye to coffee. I have been drinking coffee for over 10 years and this will be sad but she's convinced my anxiety will immediately decrease so here's go nothing. Goodbye, coffee. We've had a great relationship. I will start documenting this because this detox may be tough!

Starting tomorrow I will be drinking tea and only tea. Upon the end of my session, I went to the store to get caffeinated teas. If anyone out there has a favorite, please let me know because I found a few I'm going to try.

I'm hoping my anxiety will level out and I'll start to feel better generally. In addition to starting a new regimen in terms of my mornings, I'm going to start doing yoga and some other exercise routines outside of barre to start centering myself more.

It's the beginning of a new month so it's fitting I went to see my new therapist today so I can start the month out strong. Here's to the road back to health!

Hero

It wasn't until college that I found folks to admire. I wasn't that kid who had a hero who was a celebrity. I really didn't find my place until I was at Clark. I didn't find people who truly believed in my until I was a junior at Clark. So to this day, I have few mentors and fewer folks I look to for advice and for guidance. In a lot of ways, my years at Clark and the countless times I sat on the Dean's chair across from her, looking at her photos and thinking what a wonderful dean she was, I was lucky. I saw in her something I wanted to be. It was from that experience that I knew I wanted to be a dean. Well, I've been on the road to Dean-ship since I graduated grad school but tomorrow I begin my latest strategic move toward that goal of becoming a dean of students. Tomorrow I begin my PhD program. I really did not know if I would make it to this point. Not many of you know my educational story so I think on the eve of my going back to school, I shall share:

Settle in with some coffee because this is a long one....

When I was 7 or 8, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and held back in the second grade due to a catastrophic death of my grandfather and the divorce of my parents. I wasn't attending school the way I should so the kept me in the second grade. From the diagnosis I was put into special education classes. It was a space that allowed for me to take extra time on things but it was really torture. Those "classes" completely failed me. The teacher was awful. I still remember her. She had no desire to be there and had no desire to actually help us. I was acting out in class and my parents were being called a lot for various meetings.

Flash forward to high school: I had two teachers that actually gave me and my intelligence the time of day. One of those teachers started tutoring me and that helped because I could sense she cared. But other than her and her class, I was drowning in my lack of being able to focus on my work or my academics because I was also figuring my identity out and choir gave me a chance to focus and really be around people who "got me." I fell in love my junior year of high school with an amazing human who was a year younger. She was so smart. AP classes and here I am in special ed, being told I was dumb, not getting good grades at all but she loved me too. I started skipping classes and getting detentions, then I'd skip those and get In-School suspension but then I skipped that by telling the teacher I had an exam in choir--who believes a 17 year old??? I did stint in summer school as to not be held back again but then another catastrophe happened...not for this blog but to give you context, my girlfriend's mother discovered our love and I moved in with my dad. 

Moving in with my dad was the best decision I ever made. I made a conscious choice that I was worth more than what I allowed myself to be. Yes, I have disabilities but I figured out who I was and I was comfortable with that. I didn't see anyone at my new high school that looked like me but I found the most amazing group of friends (we are all still friends to this day). I was welcomed and loved despite my past. I was accepted into this group with no questions asked.

Luckily I think I was able to forego special ed classes which was awesome! I was just like everyone else! I started applying to college and was rejected by every school, except one but I wasn't in love. My family decided to send me to a community college...BEST DECISION EVER. For two years, I was able to focus on school and getting involved. I was so involved. I became the Student Government President and with the belief of some awesome people, including my new partner, I was applying to transfer! I was learning about various colleges and was doing so well, I thought, let's go for a reach school!

Clark was my top choice. I didn't care about my SAT scores--which were maybe 1000. My parents and I went to Clark and visited. I remember very clearly my parents being skeptical that I'd get in because of my past in education. The Director of Admissions didn't seem phased by my past and was certain that I would get in. Boy was he right! I applied to three schools: Northeastern, Clark and American University. I got into all three and Clark was number 1! So I went. I did well in classes. And that's how I met my mentor, the dean I mentioned earlier.

It was at Clark that I met the most supportive people. From faculty, to student affairs staff, to admission staff, all of whom I keep in touch with; I was cared for and felt like I had a place. I have friends from Clark that even after all these years we see each other. I made some of the best friends there. I found my voice at Clark and found a place to consider home. (I should be donating more money then.) 

I'm telling you all this because it's been in the past 10 years that I've become what I wanted. A supportive mentor for students. I have become someone that I would have admired. I reach every day for my goals to give students, who might be just like me (struggling, longing, wanting to be accepted and wanting to thrive) someone to look up to. So I became who I needed 10 years ago. I keep that goal in mind as I wake up each day.

And tomorrow, I embark on the next section of this dream. Become a dean like the ones I had at Clark who accepted and loved me and pushed me to dream big and not accept failure. They challenged me to change the world and I'm doing that, one day at a time. Tomorrow I become a doctoral student. I do it with all these memories and stories right inside my head. I carry all those people in my community in my heart as I enter this new stage in life. I'm nervous but I do it with everyone cheering me on. Another day closer to Dr. Verlezza. 

It's the month of anniversaries!

January is my Paleo/gluten free anniversary and I'm celebrating THREE years this month! I'm so excited. Three years calls for another before and after photo! Also this month is my Barre-aversary! Last January, I decided to start Pure Barre. Mostly because my friend from college, Leslie, was OBSESSED with Bar Method and I felt like I needed something in addition to Pilates. I really was nervous trying Barre and in all honesty, hated my first class. I kept thinking "What in the hell did I get myself into?!" I was so sore and miserable, during the class and after. But I went back and found my groove and my people. I knew I'd regret thinking awful things about it but I allowed myself to be mad because it was awful for someone who thought they were fit. I was wrong. HAHA.

Here I am 180 classes later and a year committed to it! Another milestone. I'm amazed that I can stick to something. It's not really my M.O to stick to things--well it wasn't when I was a kid so the fact that I've been able to drastically change my life twice and maintain that shift has been incredible.

Barre has really changed my body. I'm including pictures because I feel like we all do best with photos

Timeline of Change

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This photo is from Dec 2013. I've posted it before but it's before I started Paleo and Gluten free lifestyle.

 

This morning. Three years of Paleo and gluten free and one year of barre.

I took this photo the morning I started Barre, January 2nd 2015. You can sort of see the difference.

After one year of Barre, I'd say my seat is lifted! Its rounder and higher than the January 2015 photo.



And because I promised a stretch mark photo. I have been dry brushing for over 2 weeks, every day. I was dry brushing only my stomach but I thought, "let's do the whole body!" so before I shower every day, I dry brush my whole body. My skin is softer and isn't as dry/flakey due to the cold weather. Also, like many folks, I have stretch marks around my thighs, chest and hips. So I figured I might as well try those areas, too! It's not terribly painful and I can stand it for a few minutes.

I looked in my albums on iphoto for a before stretch mark photo and can't find one because I was really embarrassed by them. I think a lot of my shame around my stretch marks has to do with how quickly I gained weight and how unhappy I was with my weight. As I said before, I use to have pink/purple marks all across my stomach. Now you can barely see them. I'm pleasantly surprised with this transformation. I'm really thankful I took this leap of faith. I use to obsess. I asked my chiropractor how to get rid of them and he said sun so I would lay in the sun in the backyard for like 30 minutes to tan my stomach to make them go away. That never worked well. I thought "okay, what else?" I figured lots of sit-ups. NOPE. Now I'm a believer. Dry brushing is the way to go. That combined with eating and exercise and wham! Invisible marks!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read today! Do something for you! I'm going to enjoy my day with some good people and prepare for my adventure into PhD land starting Monday.

Centered

This morning at Barre was awesome. Lots of great things happened, including a kick-ass workout. I exchanged numbers with one of the instructors...which was AWESOME. She thinks I'm kidding but I'm so not. We got to talking about how we weren't the cool kids or the popular kids. Which got me thinking a lot about how before I started loving myself, I don't think I was very like-able. I always thought I was an acquired taste, not the nicest, stand offish, and honestly, rude. Why did I think this? Well, I was told I was this way frequently. I had friends. A handful. I was very good with that. I felt like I wasn't the best person and those who liked me, well, I was lucky! 

Then through the years, I got older, and actually started liking myself and things began to shit. Once I started to be nicer to myself, I was nicer to others and I just gained a larger circle. When I moved to California, I was married and didn't feel like I needed friends. I did go into social settings worried about my mouth--which I was told I ran off too much--and feeling very bruised. I was constantly worried about messing up and really making a fool of myself as I had always done previously. (I still worry about that to some extent but I've relaxed more in social settings.) Since the divorce, now two years ago, I've grown, a lot.

I've been able to accept myself and really love myself. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my hobbies and found this confidence that I think has translated to how I act in public.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I never thought I was like-able until today...or really the past 2-3 months. Joining Barre was the best decision for a number of reasons but really because I've gotten outta my shell and found common ground with people who see me. Who don't care about my degrees, my weight, my hair, my sexuality, my job. They just like me. WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me. 

I was blind for so many years. I thought I had to be this big, tough, hard-shelled person and once I accepted myself, I found out that I'm pretty great.

This morning I was given a cell phone number of someone I admire and she thinks I'm joking but I so am not! And a friend left a bottle of my favorite champagne on my car. I'm blown away. I'm myself and I guess myself is like-able. I think it's amazing that it's taken me 30 years to just be me and not apologize for it but also not change to fit other's expectations of me. Being who I am, nothing more, nothing less, is pretty rewarding.

I think part of my loving myself was being able to find a way of eating that worked for me. I'm not constantly tired or miserable. I'm able to enjoy life because my stomach isn't constantly upset. I really think my diet had a lot to do with my lack of being able to be nice or pleasant. Once I took control over my life (my health, my diet, my exercise, my marriage) everything started to fall into place!

Thanks for being my readers and most importantly, my friends.

Evolution Through Pictures

                                  

                                                          No diet, no weight watchers. Just pure 180 lbs of me in 2007. I was a size 14 there

                                                         

                                                           Spring Break 2008  

                                             

                                      Summer 2008

                              

                                                         May 2009 Clark Graduation, was on weight watchers. Size 12 and 160

                                               

                                     October 2009

                                              

                                                              Notice the pizza.. 2010. Size 10 and on weight watchers, still




                                                    HUGE gap in photos between 2010 and 2012...wonder why

                    

                                          Family photo shoot, 2012, size 12 still but convinced I can fit in my size 14 (wears like a 10) wedding dress

October 2012, that dress is a 14 and no longer fits

May 2013, purchased that dress at Target and it was tight when I got it but fit perfectly in May!

July 2013, weighing 145lbs wearing a medium skirt and a medium top

June 2014

       

December 2014

My evolution from July 2012 to January 2014

one of my first days of work at Scripps 2012

Today same dress.

October 2012 in a wedding

Today same dress 

commencement 2013

workout gear from a week ago

work outfit from today

during my time on the east coast

 December 2013

In preparation of this project, it became very clear to me that I did not allow a whole lot of pictures to be taken of me during the past 5 years. I was incredibly uncomfortable with how I look in photos from the past few years and not going to lie, still not 100% okay with it. I'm definitely seeing a difference and think it's important for folks to see how Paleo, Pilates, and the gym, have completely transformed my body, mind, and spirit.

Hope you enjoy :)