Week two of the diaries

Two full weeks of no espresso, no coffee with almond milk, no cold brew, no lattes...WOW. I'm amazing myself with my lack of coffee intake. I've cut my caffeine intake by at least 500mg and I'm feeling great.

I'm noticing differences in my moods and my ability to handle stress. It's so odd that coffee/caffeine would affect my ability to handle stress but I have two distinct instances of not freaking out. I'm generally pretty prone to freaking out but I handled stress this week in a way new for me. I took in the information, the stressor, didn't freak out and made a plan to fix it. That's a new skill. I did some googling this morning and found it does have quite the affect on stress levels. Below is an article.

http://corporate.dukemedicine.org/news_and_publications/news_office/news/5687


Needless to say this cutting coffee out thing has been beneficial but I did wake up today really wanting a Mike's Special from our local coffee place. I didn't cave, instead made tea and will most likely go to Sprouts and get my new favorite Tonic and some La Croix water for the weekend. Check out Rebbl:  http://rebbl.co/ . It's so good. I really enjoy it and it gives me some natural energy like coffee but not at the same level.

Overall, things are looking up since giving up coffee and heading back to therapy. Now for some life decisions and PhD homework :)

Happy Saturday!

another day in the breaking the addiction diaries

dear diary,

It's day five of no coffee. I have consumed more tea than I would like to admit and treated myself to a nice cold yerba mate! I immediately felt the difference after consuming it. I was slightly jittery but not like I would be if I downed a coffee. It's funny because I really should've given up caffeine all together but thank god my therapist realizes I need SOME.

I'm not anxious. I'm oddly calm and don't have spikes in blood sugar or mental cloudiness. It might be lack of coffee and as a result of omitting coffee, I'm omitting a lot of sugar and almond milk. Believe me, I love a cup of coffee. I think about it every day. I miss it; it might be more the act of it but I still miss it. It's going to take time to break the mental dependency too. It's hard because it's integrated into my routine. Maybe someday I can enjoy a cup but for now, it's tea and yerba mate!

Tomorrow is another day and I keep asking myself WHY did I give up coffee now?! I'm in a PhD program, my parents are visiting and I'm not drinking coffee?! What is wrong with me!? But I'm pressing on and counting myself lucky for not feeling super anxious all the time.

Thanks for reading another entry of my diary ;)

Day three of the breaking the addiction diaries

Today was day three of no coffee. It was harder than the weekend. I'm significantly more aware of my headache and an overall sense of tiredness. I'm feeling more irritable which I'm linking to the lack of coffee. That said, I did drink 4-5 cups of tea today. Nowhere near as much caffeine as before but generally felt like I was constantly drinking.

It's going to take awhile to break this addiction but I do feel the difference. My blood sugar isn't spiked and I'm really not anxious, just irritable :D I'm sure that will go away. There is a good chance I'm going to bed early tonight because I'm feeling that tired.

Outside of coffee detox, I hit my goal for steps three days in a row and am feeling generally pretty good about my eating. Now to integrate stretching and more strength training! My legs, hips, and back are bothering me so I will be seeing the chiropractor this week as well as making a massage appointment. It's really important to listen to your body and do what you can. I know I haven't been doing much of anything for two months but slow I will get back to my typical movements. Just need to listen to my body for now during this detox.

I think tonight I'm going to reward myself with a nice bath with some essential oils my close friend sent me. I think I deserve it :)

Night!

Day two of zero coffee

I've gone two days! 36 hours give or take with no coffee! I even went out to breakfast to a place that has the BEST almond milk lattes and I resisted! That said, I think it was decided I can have coffee every so often once I'm completely weened off of it. Here I am the evening of day two and I have a slight headache. Yesterday I didn't have any terrible headaches or anything but I did sleep until 11am this morning. I'm not sure if that's the amount of walking (in the sun) we did yesterday or if that was a result of the coffee withdrawal. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

It's amazing how coffee affects me. I get really shakey and my blood sugar spikes and I'm feeling semi alright. Next step: give up sugar. I think once I kick coffee, the whole 30 or 21 day sugar detox might be easier.

Stay tuned! Here's to day 3!

The magic of dry brushing!

                              

         This photo was taken March 26, 2016.

        

This photo was taken within the last 6 months before I started dry brushing or right when I started.

I really wish I had a before photo of my stretch marks but you can hardly see them here! I spend maybe five minutes before my shower and lotion up. But I'm not really, at this moment, doing anything else. As I've said, barre and eating habits are suffering but this is proof that dry brushing works!

* the only thing altered in these photos is the case of my phone which doubles for a wallet :D

Living with sadness

Social media has become a place for happiness, praise, babies, weddings, engagements, and politics. Social media is not for sadness, fights with our significant other's, true feelings, work talk, etc. Social media is meant to only show someone's happy life. Who wants to read about sad stuff? No one. But I feel that it's important to connect sadness to our daily lives because we all deal with it. It's hard because sadness can touch every corner of our lives. The purpose of this post is not for sympathy or "oh it'll be okay" it's so people know it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be vulnerable.

And with that, I will share...

For about two months, I have been super negative and not myself. I'm not finding much enjoyment in a lot of things that I lived for just a few months ago. I'm sure I know where it stems from but it's hard to overcome. Sadness is something we all battle, at one point or another but right now, I'm in it. Notice I do not say depressed. I'm not clinically diagnosed with depression and therefore, I will not say I'm depressed. I'm just in a funk. It happens to all of us but it's not depression unless you are assessed by someone trained like a psychiatrist or therapist.

One thing that has suffered greatly is my sleep quality which has impacted my ability to get up and feel good for barre, during the week or on the weekend. In two months, I've been to the barre four times. That's crappy for me but I take comfort in the fact that I will one day get back into the groove. Last night, I was convinced I'd get up and go today but when I woke up, I felt like I was holding a ton of bricks all over my body. *For those of you who don't know, I suffer from scoliosis and haven't had an adjustment since January--explains a lot* But my whole body hurt and was so stiff, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

Another thing to suffer is my eating. I'm not really eating like I use to. I'm eating way too much gluten free bread and other things that I shouldn't be ingesting like candy and brownies (only once though, which is a HUGE deal considering they use to be my favorite food)... could be a part of the problem. So while my body isn't changing too much, the image of myself I have is starting to shift. I feel bigger than I am and more bloated than I actually am. So to supplement for barre, I've been walking, or at least, trying to walk. It's also hard when I was on call for two ROUGH weeks and never really got back into my groove after them.

It's hard to not let this sadness define you, especially when there are moments of happiness and laughter. It can be really difficult to go about life as if nothing is wrong so I throw myself into school, tv shows, and my cats to hide away.

I called a therapist this week so next week I'll get back into that too. I know I have a lot of unresolved feelings from a lot of events in my life and maybe they are catching up to me.

So that's where I've been. I've been dealing with these feelings. I will come out the other end of this thing and be a better me :) So don't worry! :)

Be gentle with yourself

Getting back to the barre has been tough. I had a rough February and was unable to find the time, energy, or motivation for going to the barre. I've been twice in March and it's been hard each time. I know it's because I'm not going very often. This morning was rough because of the time change. My body was unwilling to get up for my 6am class because my alarm went off at 5:15 but my body thought it was 4:15. HELL NO. I listened and just slept.  I'm glad I did because I really needed it. Thankfully we're on spring break this week so I'm hoping to get back into the barre at times I wouldn't normally be able to go. I've said it before and I'll say it again, active lifestyle is a commitment and it's a commitment I haven't been able to make in the area of barre.

I am getting movement in other ways which is nice but not shaking at the barre. For now, it's the best I can do. I will get back to my old barre self, eventually, but until then, I'm okay with what I can do. Going back to the barre after a month away is always tough but it reminds me of important lessons:

1. I don't have to be the best on day one.
2. I do what I can do and not let anyone make me do more.
3. My best is good enough.

As I go into my Monday, I'm going to remember my lessons and the saying below:

Staying active

This weekend was very busy in terms of physical activity. We did a lot in terms of walking, barre, one of us did a crossfit workout while the other rode a stationary bike (that was me) and we walked to and from the house we are checking in on. It's been awesome to be moving so much. On the weekends, I rarely get to my goals on fitbit but this weekend I made them all! I made some conscious choices and got off my butt. I know people who make a point to move extra on the weekends but to me, weekends are made for "slothing." But not anymore. I need to make a conscious effort to be the best possible me I can be.

I find that if I spend time watching tv or just laying around, I don't want to do anything else. Because I'm in school now, my time is even more precious. I must make time for all things I want to do including being physically active. I know too many people who let that go while they are engaged in PhD work. There has to be balance so I can stay me.

For me, active life isn't about working out excessively, it's about moving around and making sure my body isn't stationary for too many days.

This body is the only one I have so why not take care of it? If I don't pay attention to the cravings for movement, food, water, leaning, etc, I'll fall apart. So everyday make a choice to take care of this one vessel you've been given. Try new things and surprise yourself!

Not sure the venue but this seems appropriate!

Warning this a really personal post: Probably the most vulnerable I've gotten in a while.

I went to Barre this morning (it was great) and on the way home, Michael Franti's "I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like)" came on and I sang the whole time. Then suddenly I got all choked up. Yes, I'm an emotional person and very sensitive but for some reason this song that I tend to jump up and down and rock the EFF out with, I was crying. I was thinking about my life right now. My amazing and complicated and busy life. How far I've come since this song came out.

It was released right during the time of my asking for a divorce and at the exact moment I felt at my lowest. I was so unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I was unhappy with my life, my friends, my negativity, my job, my family, my apartment..nothing felt right and nothing felt like it was mine. I didn't feel like an individual who was able to thrive and grow. I felt like I had started a new life as a pair that didn't fit. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I fell asleep at 8pm and couldn't get up until 9am. I was clearly on the verge of depression and digging myself into a hole. I, thankfully, sought out therapy and there figured out I needed to end my marriage and attempt the alone life and really be an independent twenty-something. I didn't know who I was at 27/28. I had never been Victoria. I was always someone's other and formed to make the "perfect match" even though it was never the perfect fit.  I had no hobbies and had no desire to be fit. Everything I was doing, by my own doing, was being a pair. In a lot of ways, I didn't let myself branch out because, well honestly, I don't know...I don't really know what was stopping me but when I started eating Paleo and when I started finding things I liked, it was almost too late to start and try to be my own person. I had made it so that we relied so heavily on each other then when I wanted a bit of freedom, trust wasn't there because I was never my own person prior to feeling and sleeping better.

Why is this information important, you might be wondering? Well the song itself, talks about being alive and living life to the fullest and just enjoying being alive....At the time of the release of this song, I wasn't living life and I wasn't doing all that I wanted. I felt held back and stifled and there's a line "every body wants me to be except you" well that was NOT my marriage. I was trying to be someone else. I couldn't extend my wings and fly without being brought back to center and smothered despite the other person thinking they weren't doing that. The closer they tried to hold me, the stronger my desire to run. This goes back to my point about not being independent prior to getting married. 

But again, how does this relate to Paleo? Well, starting Paleo and sticking to it lifted a HUGE fog on my brain and heart. Looking back, I was going through the motions of life. I wasn't living. I was staying at home and just being miserable. I refused to allow myself to experience things. I was almost afraid of experiencing the world because I was with someone who, in my opinion, almost expected me to NOT grow, in my job or personally, because I had been so dependent on her for everything. Eating Paleo should be credited for my clear thinking and my heart being clear. In so many ways, I could see the terrible choices I was making in my life by eating differently. I know it sounds weird but food has so much effect on your mind and body. The connection is unreal. I am so thankful to Paleo because I can see all things now. I've also grown up a lot in three years. 

After my marriage ended, I learned to just be. I learned to be myself and be with myself and find people who I can rely on for friendship and support. I learned to love the ways that I am and not apologize for being sensitive or emotional or overbearing or busy. I learned to let myself stretch at work and not worry about my home life but find a balance. I found hobbies and try new and exciting things all the time.

Thankfully, currently, I'm dating someone who is so supportive and doesn't stress if I have to work 6 nights a week. She knows that I have to work to support my students and in a lot of ways, work extra hours to advance in my career. There are some things I have to do and that can't be debated. 

I see this post as quite relevant to my Paleo Adventure because if it weren't for going Paleo and really getting into the "fit" lifestyle, I would have never seen my own unhappiness, never would've sought therapy and probably wouldn't have my current chosen family, my beautiful cats, gotten a promotion or meet my supportive, smart, funny, beautiful best friend and girlfriend. I would be stuck in the same rut I was for much of my life.

So, it all comes back to Michael Franti.  The song this morning brought a flood of feelings and a flood of thankfulness. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I feel so thankful and so grateful for my life. I'm in the year of 30, I'm at a great activity level and have all the things I've ever wanted. Thanks be to Paleo! :D