Not sure the venue but this seems appropriate!

Warning this a really personal post: Probably the most vulnerable I've gotten in a while.

I went to Barre this morning (it was great) and on the way home, Michael Franti's "I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like)" came on and I sang the whole time. Then suddenly I got all choked up. Yes, I'm an emotional person and very sensitive but for some reason this song that I tend to jump up and down and rock the EFF out with, I was crying. I was thinking about my life right now. My amazing and complicated and busy life. How far I've come since this song came out.

It was released right during the time of my asking for a divorce and at the exact moment I felt at my lowest. I was so unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I was unhappy with my life, my friends, my negativity, my job, my family, my apartment..nothing felt right and nothing felt like it was mine. I didn't feel like an individual who was able to thrive and grow. I felt like I had started a new life as a pair that didn't fit. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I fell asleep at 8pm and couldn't get up until 9am. I was clearly on the verge of depression and digging myself into a hole. I, thankfully, sought out therapy and there figured out I needed to end my marriage and attempt the alone life and really be an independent twenty-something. I didn't know who I was at 27/28. I had never been Victoria. I was always someone's other and formed to make the "perfect match" even though it was never the perfect fit.  I had no hobbies and had no desire to be fit. Everything I was doing, by my own doing, was being a pair. In a lot of ways, I didn't let myself branch out because, well honestly, I don't know...I don't really know what was stopping me but when I started eating Paleo and when I started finding things I liked, it was almost too late to start and try to be my own person. I had made it so that we relied so heavily on each other then when I wanted a bit of freedom, trust wasn't there because I was never my own person prior to feeling and sleeping better.

Why is this information important, you might be wondering? Well the song itself, talks about being alive and living life to the fullest and just enjoying being alive....At the time of the release of this song, I wasn't living life and I wasn't doing all that I wanted. I felt held back and stifled and there's a line "every body wants me to be except you" well that was NOT my marriage. I was trying to be someone else. I couldn't extend my wings and fly without being brought back to center and smothered despite the other person thinking they weren't doing that. The closer they tried to hold me, the stronger my desire to run. This goes back to my point about not being independent prior to getting married. 

But again, how does this relate to Paleo? Well, starting Paleo and sticking to it lifted a HUGE fog on my brain and heart. Looking back, I was going through the motions of life. I wasn't living. I was staying at home and just being miserable. I refused to allow myself to experience things. I was almost afraid of experiencing the world because I was with someone who, in my opinion, almost expected me to NOT grow, in my job or personally, because I had been so dependent on her for everything. Eating Paleo should be credited for my clear thinking and my heart being clear. In so many ways, I could see the terrible choices I was making in my life by eating differently. I know it sounds weird but food has so much effect on your mind and body. The connection is unreal. I am so thankful to Paleo because I can see all things now. I've also grown up a lot in three years. 

After my marriage ended, I learned to just be. I learned to be myself and be with myself and find people who I can rely on for friendship and support. I learned to love the ways that I am and not apologize for being sensitive or emotional or overbearing or busy. I learned to let myself stretch at work and not worry about my home life but find a balance. I found hobbies and try new and exciting things all the time.

Thankfully, currently, I'm dating someone who is so supportive and doesn't stress if I have to work 6 nights a week. She knows that I have to work to support my students and in a lot of ways, work extra hours to advance in my career. There are some things I have to do and that can't be debated. 

I see this post as quite relevant to my Paleo Adventure because if it weren't for going Paleo and really getting into the "fit" lifestyle, I would have never seen my own unhappiness, never would've sought therapy and probably wouldn't have my current chosen family, my beautiful cats, gotten a promotion or meet my supportive, smart, funny, beautiful best friend and girlfriend. I would be stuck in the same rut I was for much of my life.

So, it all comes back to Michael Franti.  The song this morning brought a flood of feelings and a flood of thankfulness. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I feel so thankful and so grateful for my life. I'm in the year of 30, I'm at a great activity level and have all the things I've ever wanted. Thanks be to Paleo! :D