Here we are. One month post break from Barre. I haven't been back in a while. At this point, my back is in okay shape but it's more about the embarrassment of going back after so long. I get sweet texts and messages on Instagram but honestly, I'm nervous and embarrassed to go back. I know that I feel good when I go but I interrupt so much of the motivation as shaming that I'm afraid that I will be motivated by it despite my girlfriend saying "take it easy" "don't compete" "modify." It's too hard to remember I don't have to be the best in the class or beat the younger clients. I want to do it all so well but I really can't right now. I will literally have to start from the bottom again, which is fine but I had come so far that my back injury really set me back to the point where I don't want to be judged for not being as good as some. Yup, worried about judgement. I've always battled that. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at not letting that fear consume me but I am very worried about it now. I want to love myself as is but I also want to get back to where I was. Not just with Barre but with food.
We are going to do the 21 day sugar detox rather than the whole 30. Whole 30 is great but its so strict that I'd like to try something a little less rigid. My original plan was to do it between thanksgiving and christmas but I think post christmas might be best considering all the dinners and things we will have between thanksgiving and christmas.
I really need a reset. I'm coming up on my 3 year anniversary with Paleo in January and I'd really like to be strict Paleo again by then. I'm not right now, I'm SUPER lax and that's not so good for me. I guess I'm also embarrassed by that. I've really let things just go over the past year. I've allowed myself to not be strict Paleo and just let Barre fall by the wayside completely. I know when I start my PhD next semester these things are going to be important for me to focus on school work because I really want to do well in school. I'm so determined.
