Dry brushing and stretch marks

A week into dry brushing! My skin is very smooth and my stretch marks are slowly disappearing. When they appeared I was in college. It was probably 2007 or 2008. They were dark purple and I counted them every day. I have about 15 on either side of my belly button.  I'm very self conscious of them. Even at my peak body weight and toned-ness, I'm not happy about showing them. I've tried to get rid of them for years. Tanning and using shea/coconut butter hasn't helped. Even loosing weight hasn't made them disappear! But since I've started dry brushing, they are starting to disappear! I'm so excited. In certain light/angels, I can see them but looking at my stomach head on, not so much! I'm beyond excited. This is the dry brush I bought. I really love it. I have sensitive skin, so I turn red almost immediately but besides that it's not a terrible experience. 

My stretch marks aren't something I've learned to embrace. I really can't see past them. Because I gained weight so quickly I only see them. In high school I was a petite 118 lbs. Toward the end of high school, my senior year to be exact, I went up to about 150 then in college I went to my highest 180. The weight gain definitely impacted my body and my self-image. It was very hard to accept myself. I think part of it had to do with the fact that I was miserable because I was dieting and not loosing weight. I was eating gluten, which at the time I did not know I has an intolerance to so my moods and sleep were impacted by my food intake. 

So much of my life was impacted by food and weight. Now at 30 years old, I'm eating in a way that helps my body, I've figured out various workouts that work, I've started to really take care of my physical and emotional body. Seeing a therapist a few times a year really helps. There's so much that goes into being the best version of yourself; it's exhausting and expensive. 

I've really started to accept my body the only thing I want to change is those pesky marks, which the dry brushing is really helping with! So I'm one step closer to complete acceptance of myself as a whole being. This journey has been a long one but I find myself lucky because there are people older than me who have never accepted themselves as is so I think I'm ahead of the game ;) 

I was having a conversation with someone at Barre about how my eyes get stuck on my problem areas if I let it. If I'm not careful, I can stare at my stomach and then I start to feel bad about my weight. It's actually pretty awful because I'm not super overweight but when I'm in all those positions, I'm constantly looking at my "problem" area. I've trained myself to look at my form and try to not focus on the rolls because even the thinnest person would have some sort of roll in those Barre positions. Thankfully, my mindset is working and I'm not thinking of giving up because of it.

It's all about outlook I guess. It's important to remember that it's not about the rolls but rather how I feel. It's about the fact that I haven't changed much but I'm starting to look more toned again. I love how I feel. I don't love how hungry I am but that's a good thing because that means my metabolism is working.

Body by butter

Today I experimented with Cassava flour. It honestly was the best idea I've ever had.  I've never had such delicious cinnamon rolls, well I did when I was eating gluten ;) These are the best gluten free cinnamon rolls I've had in 3 years. They were delicious! It took a while to get the dough right but in the end they were well worth it! I topped them with some melted butter, coconut sugar, Primal Palate's cinnamon sugar cookie spice (which I got for Christmas thanks to my sweetie!) and they were to die for. I'm very pleased! I smell like butter. My original plan was to make ham and biscuits and sweet potatoes. But the movie we went to was long so we threw away the plan and went to get Korean bbq! I really love that we do our own thing and make Christmas our own. 

Don't those cinnamon rolls look incredible?! It took 45 minutes start to finish!

Nourish your body, nourish your face

Hello again. I love that I've gotten back into writing. It's been a long time coming and since I'm making some changes, I figure I can start writing about them. So I'm three weeks into my new cleansing of my face and I couldn't be happier. It's been funny to see how I have yet to break out on my face. I've had a clear face for 3 weeks. But my back and my hairline are a completely different story. Yesterday, I went to the chiropractor and left so much oil on the paper they put down for your face and I laughed. I use to be self conscious of my oily face and now I'm singing it's praises. I'm quite pleased with my face. It's really looking good. I do wish there was a way to cleanse my whole body with FatFace. I'll keep researching.

On the topic of bodies, my dry/wet brush came over the weekend and I started using it. The brush is to help detox the body. I've read that it tightens skin, gets rid of stretch marks and helps in detox. I started with a little brush a few weeks ago, only on my stomach and have seen a noticeable difference in my stretch marks. Yesterday, I began a more routined dry brushing and I'm hoping my stretch marks will completely disappear. I do see a difference in the softness of my skin on my tummy. So in a week or so, I'll post a before and after photo with a review of the particular dry brush I purchased--Primal Palate has a review and was the one who gave me the idea to buy this particular brush.

In terms of food, the semester is over which means the dining hall is closed and I'm back to my own devices. This is not a bad thing per say because I have more say over what I eat and I see a huge difference when I'm not eating rice every day. But this weekend was vacation! We went to Vegas and I must say it's never easy to be super strict with my eating but this weekend was easier! We were prepared with snacks: hazelnut butter, gluten free chex, clementines, almond crackers and water! We ate some really great meals during our time. We went to this place I found a few years ago that serves gluten free pancakes, which I don't get very often so I indulged....two days in a row. I tend to do research on where I'll be so I make sure that I have some options. It's really hard to find gourmet food that's also gluten free. During my research before going to Vegas, I found a place that serves gluten free fried chicken, so we made a reservation and ate an amazing meal there! Our entire meal was gluten free: shrimp and grits, fried chicken and cauliflower, mashed potatoes! I ate so much. But it's rare to find good food that is mostly clean and doesn't make me feel sick. I even had a drink! We shared a bourbon lemonade drink and it was delicious! 

Now with the holidays approaching, I'm playing with different food ideas. I'm going to make some cinnamon rolls and biscuits from Cassava flour. I've read really good things about it so I went ahead and got some so I could try different treats. I think too much almond flour gives me a tummy ache and I'd like to try to eat like a non-allergic person during the holidays.

Other things on the menu are: ham, sweet potatoes, salad, and gluten free 3 ingredient peanut butter cookies. This is the one time of year I get peanut butter kiss cookies so I make them a little differently than most people but I love them. And holidays are the time to indulge. 

Speaking of indulging, yesterday a package came for me. It was "Shari's Berries" (a student sent me a thank you) and those berries were better than any edible arrangement I've ever had! They are priced reasonably and make a great gift. They tasted great! I highly recommend them!!!

I shall keep you posted on the stretch mark situation and the holiday food situation! :) 

Happy holidays!!!!!! Thanks for reading.

Centered

This morning at Barre was awesome. Lots of great things happened, including a kick-ass workout. I exchanged numbers with one of the instructors...which was AWESOME. She thinks I'm kidding but I'm so not. We got to talking about how we weren't the cool kids or the popular kids. Which got me thinking a lot about how before I started loving myself, I don't think I was very like-able. I always thought I was an acquired taste, not the nicest, stand offish, and honestly, rude. Why did I think this? Well, I was told I was this way frequently. I had friends. A handful. I was very good with that. I felt like I wasn't the best person and those who liked me, well, I was lucky! 

Then through the years, I got older, and actually started liking myself and things began to shit. Once I started to be nicer to myself, I was nicer to others and I just gained a larger circle. When I moved to California, I was married and didn't feel like I needed friends. I did go into social settings worried about my mouth--which I was told I ran off too much--and feeling very bruised. I was constantly worried about messing up and really making a fool of myself as I had always done previously. (I still worry about that to some extent but I've relaxed more in social settings.) Since the divorce, now two years ago, I've grown, a lot.

I've been able to accept myself and really love myself. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my hobbies and found this confidence that I think has translated to how I act in public.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I never thought I was like-able until today...or really the past 2-3 months. Joining Barre was the best decision for a number of reasons but really because I've gotten outta my shell and found common ground with people who see me. Who don't care about my degrees, my weight, my hair, my sexuality, my job. They just like me. WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me. 

I was blind for so many years. I thought I had to be this big, tough, hard-shelled person and once I accepted myself, I found out that I'm pretty great.

This morning I was given a cell phone number of someone I admire and she thinks I'm joking but I so am not! And a friend left a bottle of my favorite champagne on my car. I'm blown away. I'm myself and I guess myself is like-able. I think it's amazing that it's taken me 30 years to just be me and not apologize for it but also not change to fit other's expectations of me. Being who I am, nothing more, nothing less, is pretty rewarding.

I think part of my loving myself was being able to find a way of eating that worked for me. I'm not constantly tired or miserable. I'm able to enjoy life because my stomach isn't constantly upset. I really think my diet had a lot to do with my lack of being able to be nice or pleasant. Once I took control over my life (my health, my diet, my exercise, my marriage) everything started to fall into place!

Thanks for being my readers and most importantly, my friends.

barre'd twice this week!

After my two month(ish) absence from the barre, I've been able to go 4 times this month! (I was sick for a week.... WHINE) But I've been twice this week and the instructor rocks my socks. I love taking her class. I feel a genuine sense of friendship and care from her. I can tell this isn't just a job for her (not saying that any other instructors omit that feeling, I just feel like she has this aura about her). I really enjoy her presence. This week was especially awesome because we had the regular 6am crew! With the new addition of a work friend! She started coming at the beginning of Dec and it's been great having her there. I really love the community. I know I've said it before but the community that can be built in group workouts is amazing. I really enjoy the laughs we share and the silliness we can have even at the ungodly hour of 6am. I hate getting up so early but there really isn't a better way to start my day and I forgot that. Working out makes me enjoy my day more.

I was feeling really sad and alone last night and feeling really frustrated with some aspects of my life. I went to bed super early (8:45 to be exact) and got up around 4:45am. I was able to lay in bed and make coffee and drink a full glass of water before the coffee--which doesn't far well in Barre cause you gotta pee so bad in the middle of class but whatever! I got to the studio and felt a little better. My friend from work brought me an orange from her orange tree. It really made me feel loved and it made me start seriously thinking about my journal I want to keep tracking all the amazing things that happen each day because when I feel like I did last night, it would be helpful to remember that I'm not defined by one or two areas of my life. I left the class feeling much better and just really feeling that sense of community. We laughed so much and there's a sense of family. Mine is far and it's nice to know that there are people here who were once strangers turned a sort of support system and it makes it easy to get up that early :)

Skin is important--FatFace review

A number of years ago I got a facial at a place in my former home of Western MA. Since that facial, I've used Dermologica clay face wash. It's been years I tell you. I loved it. It really felt good. Then all of sudden a few months ago I started thinking about all the crap on my body in the shower...soap, shampoo, conditioner, and face wash. Before I was thinking about that, I thought about deodorant because every time I applied it, my arm pits burned. So about 6 months ago I changed my deodorant to Tom's natural. It was awesome. Once I started thinking about my entire body, I'd freak out a little on the inside and not tell anyone I was thinking about it. But I couldn't help but wonder what was happening inside my body due to what I was apply on the outside. So on "black friday" someone I follow on Instagram, put up a code for "fatface skin care" to get 20% off. I thought about it and read up on the line and thought, "what could it hurt to try something new?" Well I've never been happier! I love my new face oil...yup oil on my face despite being told my skin is "oily." My face has NEVER felt so clean as it does after I use the oil.

I will admit that it's weird because the ingredients of the products I purchased are actual real nourishing, pronounceable ingredients. I feel classist applying them and so privileged for nourishing my skin this way. That being said, this face regime is cheaper than the Dermologica stuff I was using and my face actually feels clean rather than heavy and clogged. I don't wear makeup so I don't worry about that but what's wonderful is I don't have to apply the oil every day. I've been sick all week--I do wonder if that has anything to do with my changing my skin regimen though it's probably not related--and haven't showered every day and haven't cleansed my face every day. And it's totally fine.

I really like the products. I use less of them and my face feels amazing. Next step, I might try the body butta. The price is a lot so I wonder how much I need to have skin that feels moisturized. The ingredients sound good so I imagine it'll smell nice.  Maybe next pay day...we'll see.

But if you are allergic to things or looking to try something with fewer chemicals, FatFace is the way to go!

One month of no barre

Here we are. One month post break from Barre. I haven't been back in a while. At this point, my back is in okay shape but it's more about the embarrassment of going back after so long. I get sweet texts and messages on Instagram but honestly, I'm nervous and embarrassed to go back. I know that I feel good when I go but I interrupt so much of the motivation as shaming that I'm afraid that I will be motivated by it despite my girlfriend saying "take it easy" "don't compete" "modify." It's too hard to remember I don't have to be the best in the class or beat the younger clients. I want to do it all so well but I really can't right now. I will literally have to start from the bottom again, which is fine but I had come so far that my back injury really set me back to the point where I don't want to be judged for not being as good as some. Yup, worried about judgement. I've always battled that. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at not letting that fear consume me but I am very worried about it now. I want to love myself as is but I also want to get back to where I was. Not just with Barre but with food.

We are going to do the 21 day sugar detox rather than the whole 30. Whole 30 is great but its so strict that I'd like to try something a little less rigid. My original plan was to do it between thanksgiving and christmas but I think post christmas might be best considering all the dinners and things we will have between thanksgiving and christmas.

I really need a reset. I'm coming up on my 3 year anniversary with Paleo in January and I'd really like to be strict Paleo again by then. I'm not right now, I'm SUPER lax and that's not so good for me. I guess I'm also embarrassed by that. I've really let things just go over the past year. I've allowed myself to not be strict Paleo and just let Barre fall by the wayside completely. I know when I start my PhD next semester these things are going to be important for me to focus on school work because I really want to do well in school. I'm so determined.

Post 30 in 35 challenge

Here I sit. Monday morning. Day off and usually I'd be on my way to Barre but I had to take today off. I did something in the past 2 weeks that really roughed my knees up. For those of you who know me, my knees have never been good and Barre was good for a long time because of pilates because my knees got stronger but right now, my knees are tweaked. 

I did something 2 weeks ago and felt a pull and things haven't been the same since. Saturday during "knee dancing" I couldn't stay in it, I felt a serious pull in my right knee, which Sunday my instructor helped me modify, which was awesome but yesterday during the day, I couldn't sit how I wanted to on the couch because my knee on the right inside hurt a lot.

I woke up this morning, wanting to go but attempting to give myself permission to not go. I wanted to get 21 in 31 days this month. We all know I can do it but I can't. My body is MESSED up from the last challenge. I think it was nice for our studio owner to suggest another challenge but when you have body issues like me, it isn't the best idea. I think my goal every month should be between 16-20 classes. I think doing more than that for my body is unrealistic because of the physical pain I'm in.

I know these all sound like excuses and I shouldn't be making excuses and I'm trying not to, I'm only trying to give myself permission for missing. Physical pain is serious and I only have one body so I need to rest.

Off to the chiropractor I go this week!

Class 30 of the 30 in 35 challenge

            2013

 9/12/15.               9/19/15               9/29/15

        9/12/15                                    9/29/15

The top photo is one I've shared a few times but it was December 2013. The bottom is September 2015. I was so embarrassed of the top photo for so long but now I'm so proud of how far I've come. It's very cool to see through pictures, which as I've said before, but for you folks, photos were something I avoided. I also have lingering issues with my stomach despite my hard work at the Barre for these past 29 days. 

It was a hard journey. I took 30 classes! This challenge has taught me that I can go everyday (almost) and I can get up early. It's better to go early, despite not always being at peak performance. Yesterday morning, for example, I was called on the on-call emergency phone at 4am. I knew I'd be getting up at 5:15am. The situation wasn't complete until 4:45am. I did get back into my bed, hoping the cats would come and snuggle. Then I thought, "if I don't go now, when am I going to go?" That's a real concern. I know I have to hit 30 but even if I didn't, it's important for me to take 60 minutes of movement, for myself. I'm putting myself and my body first. 

If I commit to working out, even if it's a low impact workout, which doesn't burn a TON of calories, I'm clearly getting results. It's giving me confidence that I don't think I otherwise had. Growing up the fat kid was not easy. Being teased for my weight was the worst. I'm finally at a place where I can see the work I'm doing is not only good for my body but good for my mind and soul. I'm working hard and challenging myself! I love it.

Up next: 21 in 30 days! Here goes nothing!

11 down, 19 to go

Today will be class 11 on day 12 of my newest barre challenge! My goal is 30 classes in 35 days. It's my goal to have 5 rest days, one of which is Sunday of last week. So far so good. I made it through the 11 days of INTENSE classes with one rest day. The only actual reason I took the rest day was because I had to work during the only two classes offered on Sunday. I got a massage on the rest day at the urging of one of my barre instructors because she said my obliques were so tight. I haven't actually built in another one yet and am going to try to make it to the 21st without stopping because that's when I scheduled another massage. If I can do that, it'll be class 20! I watch other women in the studio come every day in a row and I'm so jealous. So I'm going to try and kick it up a notch!

I must say I was very upset last weekend when I went to put on some jeans and they didn't fit. Then this past week I went to put on a skirt that was SUPER big on me a year ago and was semi tight. The funny thing is I haven't gained any weight but my muscles are starting to pop. My girlfriend swears I'm slimming down even more and look TINY in that skirt. The only logical thing I can think of is my butt....yes, my butt. It has grown. It's gotten more toned and that skirt, which I wore on my hips, can't fit there because my booty is in the way. Does that seem logical? I think so...



I originally was going to do whole 30 in addition to the barre challenge but I decided not to this go round and just focus on my 30 classes and not spend tons of money to do whole 30 when I can eat for free. I've also discovered whole milk yogurt! OMG. I haven't had yogurt in years and I found Noosa last week then Clover Organic Farms in Vons this week. I LOVE it. It's the best pre-barre snack.

Another challenge is coming!

Barre is having another challenge!!!! Starting September 1-October 5: 30 classes in 35 days. If it was 6 months ago, I'd probably scoff and say "yea right" but I'm not. I'm accepting this challenge despite September being a very busy time AND I'm on call for the last week of it. I got this. I just have to build in rest days and make sure to take lots of Epsom salt baths.

Part of me also wants to try and do whole 30 again. Now this might be a HUGE challenge considering September is mostly open houses around the Colleges filled with free food and the most delicious gluten free desserts. It's kind of the worst time to do such a challenge but it might be the best.

I certainly haven't gained weight but I am drinking coffee every day and ingesting kombucha with added sugar and all around not at all paying attending to my sugar intake....I write as I patiently wait for my FABULOUS gf so we make gluten free brownies....

So I'm contemplating this additionally challenge. It's a decision for sure to do it again in combination with the barre challenge but how cool could it be to do both? I've done it before which means I can most definitely do it again. And if I can knock 30 classes outta the park, I'm that much closer to 250!

I really enjoy the challenges because there is a community aspect. It's not just me, it's the studio and in term the whole PB empire. I like not feeling alone because there are others out there! It keeps me motivated by looking at the hashtags and knowing I'm doing this along with so many others.


So that's my ramblings for tonight. I'm looking forward to class tomorrow. Had a rockin' class today and am going to try and figure out a good schedule to get my 6 classes a week in!

Good night!

Long time since I've been here. So updates are in order!

I haven't written an entry since March! I cannot believe that! One of my instructors at the studio yesterday said she stumbled upon my blog and I can't believe people still look. It's been too long since I've said anything so here I am!

My last post was all about what I learned during the 20 in 31 challenge. I really wanted to hit my "100th class" by my 30th but I hit it yesterday. WOOOO HOOOO.

100 classes since January. Maybe this isn't a huge deal to some and the ebb and flow of my attendance wasn't so great, if I was able to continuously go, then yea, I would've hit it faster but I was battling some illness, enjoying vacation, enjoying travel for work, and enjoying rest time! Also, I can't believe I've stuck with something so long. I use to consider myself a quitter. That might be weird for some to hear but I've ALWAYS battled the inner monologue of being a quitter. Since I was young....I don't know where this comes from but I'm still working on not thinking that.

It's a cool feeling knowing I reached a goal that I've wanted to hit since January. I'm really glad I stuck with it because there were moments that I definitely wanted to quit but there's too many positives for me to quit. The community is awesome. The idea of women supporting women; sure, men attend, but most classes are full of people who identify as women (I think) and all the instructors identify as women, as far as I know. I love the community aspect. When I hit my 100 yesterday, I was cheered and applauded. It feels so good to have a community behind you even though the work outs are solitary. It was a cool feeling! Below is the picture I posted on facebook and instagram.

-----------

Let's talk Endo...

I've had 5 periods on my new pain management plan. And let me tell you, 30 years old, 21 years of periods and I've NEVER had it this good. My doctor is amazing. I'm shocked no one thought of this before. It's so simple and easy. I take 800 mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day for the 5-7 days of my period and NO PAIN. I did accidentally forget to take it last week and woke up in the middle of the night due to pain but it wasn't so bad I was doubled over in pain but it cut into my sleep. I'm so glad too because Jan, Feb and March, I couldn't work out during my period and I haven't missed a beat these past few months because of my period. I am elated! 

------------

My Paleo Life....well, I can honestly say, I'm not as strict Paleo as I would like to be but I'm happy. I'm less concerned because I've gotten other aspects of my life under control: my digestion and all things associated with my gut; my health for the most part is good; my sleep is good (except when Ernie yells at 2:30am); my body is moving and shaking (literally from Barre); and my hair, nails, and skin are all awesome. I'm pretty happy with how I'm eating and drinking (yup sometimes I drink!). I do want to be "more" Paleo but I really enjoy feeling "normal" when I'm out. Last week we had a retreat for work and went to an Italian restaurant and I wanted pasta. A strict Paleo would not have gotten gluten free pasta but I wanted it so I got it. I don't regret it.

Let me tell you about the most amazing meal I have ever had. In honor of my birthday while we were in vacation, my sweetie found an authentic Italian restaurant in NYC in which ALL, yes ALL, items on the menu are gluten free: Senzia Gluten. It was the most AMAZING meal of my life. It was the first time since switching to gluten free that I haven't had to ask if things are gluten free. I was able to eat bread with olive oil. I was able to get dessert (my favorite-Tiramisu). I couldn't believe how amazing it was. I'd go back in a heartbeat. I was so impressed. If you want to check it out, I posted reviews/pictures on yelp! :)

I do have thoughts about how I'm not really living Paleo and I should call myself gluten free but I'm Paleo most of the time. And I've finally figured out what works for my body and that's all I care about! My health is good and my body is even better and that's all I care about!

--------------

Okay, I'm done rambling for now! Thanks for reading!

20 in 31 coming to an end rapidly!

I cannot believe March Madness, Pure Madness is almost over! I have 2 more classes and will complete my 20 in 31. I have learned a few things about myself:

1. I need rest days. Some folks in our studio haven't rested and are on like class 25 on day 29. I cannot do that right now. My body is sore and needs time to recover.

2. I'm stronger than I think, really. They weren't kidding every time they say "you're stronger than you think." I'm on class 5 in a row and I can hold my plank and not come out, I have increased weight, and I take the suggested challenges.

3. I have come so far at the age of 29 and I'm so happy to finally be able to move and work out in ways I wasn't/haven't before.

4. I can make a community with people I didn't know and they will cheer me on.

5. If I keep up this pace I could hit 100 by my birthday in June and that's my new goal! To hit 100 before my 30th birthday!

That is all.

Month 3 of Barre

Over a year ago when I joined Pilates, I finally found something that made my body tone, stretch, and move in ways I never thought possible. Growing up, I knew my body couldn't do what other's bodies could. I was in touch with my knees and my many aliments. I couldn't run fast, I could barely touch my toes, my joints swell at the sight of exercise or even heat. My body just isn't like others and I always knew that. I had weak knees and a weak back. I would get injured very easily after like a month of working out at the gym. I wasn't really loosing weight (which wasn't the goal but a nice bonus) but rather maintaining. Walking during the beginning of my Paleo Adventure was great but before that I wasn't really active. 

At age 28 (Dec 2013), my therapist encouraged me to look into something I could really get into and love.  As a result, I found Pilates and challenged myself physically in so many ways. Essentially, Pilates changed my life. Fast forward a year and a month later and I went ahead and researched new exercises to aid in my quest. Per my NYC friend's suggestion, I looked at Barre Method. The closest Barre Method was in Pasadena so I looked at Pure Barre, which has a location only 12 minutes from my apartment. I'm now in my third month. And my first challenge (20 in 31, I'm in day 10!)....which brings me to this post. 

I'm pretty excited to share the photo below. I was so skeptical (see previous Barre related posts) that Barre was going work. I was convinced at first that I hated it. And I kinda did, because I sucked at it. But now, I really see results not just in my body but in my endurance. I can hold my planks for almost the entire 90 seconds (but if it's 6AM that 90 seconds is a LONG time). My physical body actually looks different. My "seat" is lifted and my body looks tighter. My arms are defined. I have more energy during the day and can do things I wasn't able to do before! Now, Pilates does all this too but my butt hasn't looked like the below pic, ever. No offense Pilates, you will always be my lifesaver :D

I will say my confidence to enter the Barre studio came from Pilates. If it wasn't for Pilates, Barre NEVER would've been an option. My knees have been strengthened for a year and have been challenged by Pilates and now I feel secure enough with them that I can do new things, like Barre.

I'm so happy that I went out on a limb to find something that can challenge me in different ways. 

Specialist for my uterus (Some gross stuff mentioned)

So let's recap: I tried to work out yesterday and that didn't fly. I worked out tonight and as soon as we were done...bring on the cramps! I got home, and let go of some HUGE clots (sorry). well, I guess exercise is out?

Today I went to my new doctor (who I love). She told me a few things:
1. there is no cure for endo. Okay, okay, I knew this but was hoping there would be some sort of cure.
2. There are only a few people in the COUNTRY who could operate on where my endo is located.
3. It sounds like in addition to my bladder and ureter, I have patches on my BOWEL. So really no way to remove that.
4. "It's a shitty disease." Docs don't know much and it causes a lot of patients a lifetime of trouble.
5. We have a few options to manage it: a) pain management, b) hormones, c) full hysterectomy (she doesn't really want to do this because it doesn't mean the endo is gone and I'm only 30)
6. She was appalled  at the course of treatment my old gyno took and said I was took young for such an invasive hormone therapy. Which has scared me so badly, I down right refused hormones again.

So our current plan is to try and cut the pain off at the start. When I start to feel symptoms of my period, I'm to take ibuprofen (500 mlg 3 times a day) and Norco (combination of acetaminophen and hydrocodone) as needed. We will do this for 3 months and see how it goes. After three months we will assess and see if we need to move to hormones. I'm tempted to try whole 30 again for 3 months before doing hormones. I am so afraid of hormones again and it's just so bad for the system. I would rather eat whole 30 for the rest of my life than deal with hormones.

Yup, we are that desperate. I can't even imagine taking pills every day that suppress my periods and to be frank, sometimes I'd rather just deal with this pain than think of putting those chemicals inside me. I'm so not into it. I have to say though, I trust this doctor. She was pretty amazing and I'm very impressed so far. So I might give her way a shot longer than I'd really care to admit.

I'm going to give the cutting it off before it begins for 3 months and go from there. No harm in trying right? For this moment, I'm going to enjoy my chocolate.

I do have to say I'm disappointed I can't go to Barre tomorrow because I'm afraid I'll upset my uterus. This challenge is important to me and I feel like I'm failing my team. I'll get over it I guess.....

Now onto relax and take care of my uterus. Until next time!

Day 3 of doubled over pain, Vicodin, and no work

Yesterday, I was out of work, sleeping most of the day. Went into work to go help select next year's staff. I was on Vicodin but did it anyway. I was less foggy because I was at the end of the cycle. By the end of selection, it was time for more and bed. I promised myself I was going to go to Barre because of the challenge. So I got up this morning, feeling great. I got good sleep. Felt no cramps and got dressed and went to Barre. I got there and let my instructor (she's also the owner) know that I had my period and it was a bad situation. She was helpful with some stretches and even though I started out really strong (got multiple compliments from her!!!) by 8am (45 minutes in) I felt it. The sharp, intense, alive pain down my leg. I was pressing hard into my left leg and Ashley came over and showed me what I could do knowing that the current exercise was probably too hard. I tried it out. I felt hot and like I needed to take my tampon out. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and took a minute to breathe. I decided I had to leave. Which sucks because I've never walked out. I told her and she said it's totally good. I got in the car and the pain got more intense. I have no idea how long it took for me to get home because I was not happy, in severe pain and begging to get home (by the way, I only had 15 miles of gas left). I got home and I went into the hot bath my amazing girlfriend had ready for me. At this point, I was crying and shaking. The pain was so intense I could barely see straight. This is always so hard because I wish my body would just give out so I could find some relief. I took my Vicodin, willingly, and got in my bath. I'm currently, at home, again (which drives me up a wall), on my couch, eating some Paleo goods (whole me clusters and live soda) because I'm hungry and don't feel like cooking.

I hate this with a passion. I'd much rather be at work than doped up on my couch. Because honestly, I don't remember why I started writing this post. It's kinda frustrating.

Endo is the worst. Round 2

Last night I was at a concert and I was shown some photos of myself and I thought it was odd that my belly looked so bloated. This morning I got up and oh hey, my period decided to come for a visit.

This wouldn't be so bad if my day ended the way it started. Tonight we were suppose to go see the Pentatonix but my endo is FLARED and pissed. Currently, I'm on meds and can feel the cramps in my toes. And guess what? No concert for us. My stupid chronic illness, pain, or whatever you want to call it, has ruined another thing I wanted to do. Thank god I have my appointment on Wednesday with the specialist because this is getting ridiculous!

Stopping life for this is so hard. I hate it so much. I always feel like such a failure because I've disappointed someone, or myself, because it hinders activity. Pure Barre started their 20 in 31 challenge today and I pray this period doesn't last a week because A. the challenge  and B. I'm going to be in Alabama with students...that would be an awkward trip. jk. It'd be fine but I'd be in pain and that's not fun, especially traveling.

What does it mean to have a flare up? Well if you look below, there's a picture. The "patches of endo" are just to show what it looks like. My patches are not where the diagram shows. Mine are on my ureter and urinary bladder. What that means for my level of pain is that the pain is intensified and I feel it down my left leg. It's so strong that sometimes I loose feeling in that leg. (Hence, my saying I could feel it in my toes.) The pain is so great that I often can barely move. While in the tub earlier, it was really hard to find a comfortable position because pressure feels good but it's hard when you're less than 5' and the tub is longer than you.

What are the next steps? Well, with my visit to my new doctor happening Wednesday, I'm hoping we can figure something out. Whether that be surgery to explore how things look in there or it's some kind of natural solution, something is better than my current state.

I have no idea if I'm going to be in extreme pain tomorrow and have no idea if this will impede my ability to go to work and that sucks. I have no way of knowing what's next and I have no gauge on when it will happen because it often times just sneaks up.

It's funny because I have all sorts of memories around my period and the mind blowing cramps. I remember the bathroom stalls at my middle school and having cramps so bad I passed out on the toilet. I remember being in the bathroom at my moms on the floor and passing out. I remember being in the car with my dad, stepmom, gram, and brother, looking at houses and feeling like I was going to die. I had to have my dad stop at a random 7-11 type to get me pads and I remember almost passing out in the bathroom. I've spent a lot of time on the ground due to my periods. My gastro and cardio docs said it's because my body can't handle the pain and it just shuts down to protect me. Can you imagine how great and intense that pain must be? I don't even know what to compare it to because like everything in my life, I thought this was normal. I don't even know what it feels like to not have cramps or not feel like I'm going to pass out. This has been 20 years in the making. What was normal? What is normal? Debilitating cramps, constipation or diarrhea, back pain and sometimes tunnel vision, leading to passing out; all normal for me. It's sad but true. My life pauses when it happens and I just have to wait for it to pass.

I'm not saying all this for anyone to feel sorry for me but to rather raise awareness seeing as it's Endo Awareness Month.


**Since starting this post (at like 7pm and it's now 9:42pm) the pain has subsided into a dull ache and at the same time sharp pains.

been a few weeks!

Morning readers!

It's been a few hectic weeks! Work has been very busy with after hours events, snacks from Trader Joe's, eating at my bosses house, dinners out with friends and my love, and some booze thrown in there.

I'm in the throws of my life and I keep thinking "oh tomorrow I'll eat better than today" and it seems that I'm totally doing my own version of Paleo, per usual, but it's becoming less and less Paleo and more and more gluten free because it's easier. Next week I leave for a conference and I'm starting to think ahead in terms of bringing food and I'm turning to my Paleo cookbooks.

I'll post up what I decide to make but I did buy "whole me clusters" to bring for a snack. I tried to purchase some whole 30 approved packs but for some reason the website didn't accept my card...odd. I think I'm going to go to whole foods this weekend or order from Steve's Paleo Goods. This whole travel thing to states that I don't actually know very well is a little concerning and I know my stomach and even if I break my routine for a few days, I'll have a terrible tummy. OMG COFFEE, how are we going to make that work?! UGH. In Alabama I'll deal but in New Orleans, I will search for coffee and almond milk haha. Thankfully the first trip is short.

OMG I go to Austin in April for PaleoFX and I am so beyond excited! It's going to be so much fun for me. My friend from NYC is also joining me so that'll be great and a much easier space for me to eat because Picnik is near by and Austin, for some reason, is a super Paleo friendly place!!!

So travel is my current dilemma and I'm trying to be proactive rather than suffer the bloat and tummy ache later.

Past few posts!

Greetings all,

My last two non-Paleo, exercising blogs got so much attention! Thanks :)

It seems you all are interested more in how eating effects my life and not so much my workouts. Which is totally good!!!

I've been super busy at work and today is my first day off in over a week. It's nice to think about because I'm thinking maybe just some workout and hang out are in order! Maybe I'll go look at an apartment...It's such an odd feeling knowing I do not have to go into the office or see anyone from work today. It's also nice to relax. A big part of Paleo is making sure you can eat and sleep and relax enough. I feel like I haven't been able to relax enough. I have been go go going since January 12th and I am excited about today's potential to relax!


-----------
Food and travel
I have two up coming trips in March that I'm starting to worry about in terms of food....the first is to Alabama.....yup....so I need to pack FOOD. Yesterday, I was at a conference and brought a lunch bag full of goodies I could eat. It was rough because I knew the options would be Udi's gluten free bread and meat...not really what I wanted to eat. So I ate the meat off the sandwich and dug into my bag.

My trip in March is going to be 3 days, two of which are conference and 1 travel. I'm going to need FOOOOOOOOD. It's weird to think I have to plan for my food rather than worry about the clothes I'll bring but food is more important :D

The other trip in March is to New Orleans. That's another one where FOOD will be my top priority I think. I will be gone for a significant amount of time and will need to figure out how to get the food that makes me feel good rather than makes me feel crappy. Then if I happen to have my period for either of those two, I'm screwed. But I'll start planning to switch my diet up more the two weeks before my period.

I'm thinking of buying stuff online like RX bars, whole me cereal, jerky, Pete's Paleo goodies and other things that I can stuff into my bag and eat in an emergency. Fruit is always easy, as is veggies but I'm not sure what kind of protein will be accessible. NOLA is a little harder because everything is fried--from what I remember  and I only get a certain amount of money to eat :D So my emergency stash might be something I dig into more often than not.


Work out note:

I have Pilates later today and I'm excited because my trainer has started to do cool things with me and today she's taking pictures for their website which means I'll have some photos I can post here! I'm super excited to show you all my "intermediate" moves! She's been having me do more and more cool things that require different muscles and I'm so excited to have some evidence!


---------

Warning: This one is about my period

Dang. Being a woman who gets her period on the regular is rough. Why you may ask? Well, my period is compounded by endometriosis. Endo sucks pretty hardcore and I've been battling it for a long time. I got my first period at nine years old and the passing out due to pain began not long after. Fast forward ten years, my gyno decided to do exploratory surgery to figure out what the issue was and where it was coming from because my passing out was induced only by internal pain from my leg--docs thought this was strange. Fast forward a little more, it turns out my endo is implanted on my  ureter and urinary bladder. Fast forward ten more years, I'm 29 and I'm still dealing with the pain. This particular period has been AWFUL. I've missed two days of work, two workouts and have been stuck in my bed, heating pad glued to me and taking pain killers to dull the pain. This is not something I enjoy, for obvious reasons.

I have a few feelings. I think I could control the pain with diet. Maybe that's a feeble thought...caffeine, alcohol, and dairy make it worse. I don't do so well at giving up caffeine during this time but I try to stay away from dairy despite having some ice cream yesterday and Saturday.

My next move is to talk with my doctor about pain management and potentially acupuncture because there is NO way this lady is putting hormones of any kind, no matter how low the dosage, into my body. I think acupuncture and a change in my diet, again, might be the best solution until we figure out if surgery is another option.

It really sucks having something so internal and personal effect all areas of my life. I've had to cancel all meetings and just stay in my bed. I've done some research and it seems diet can control my symptoms. So now the question is, whole30 forever? My research has shown the change in diet, like whole30, will manage my pain. Now its going to take commitment. I will discuss with my doctor a diet change and acupuncture. Let's see where we end up.

Not sure the venue but this seems appropriate!

Warning this a really personal post: Probably the most vulnerable I've gotten in a while.

I went to Barre this morning (it was great) and on the way home, Michael Franti's "I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like)" came on and I sang the whole time. Then suddenly I got all choked up. Yes, I'm an emotional person and very sensitive but for some reason this song that I tend to jump up and down and rock the EFF out with, I was crying. I was thinking about my life right now. My amazing and complicated and busy life. How far I've come since this song came out.

It was released right during the time of my asking for a divorce and at the exact moment I felt at my lowest. I was so unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I was unhappy with my life, my friends, my negativity, my job, my family, my apartment..nothing felt right and nothing felt like it was mine. I didn't feel like an individual who was able to thrive and grow. I felt like I had started a new life as a pair that didn't fit. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I fell asleep at 8pm and couldn't get up until 9am. I was clearly on the verge of depression and digging myself into a hole. I, thankfully, sought out therapy and there figured out I needed to end my marriage and attempt the alone life and really be an independent twenty-something. I didn't know who I was at 27/28. I had never been Victoria. I was always someone's other and formed to make the "perfect match" even though it was never the perfect fit.  I had no hobbies and had no desire to be fit. Everything I was doing, by my own doing, was being a pair. In a lot of ways, I didn't let myself branch out because, well honestly, I don't know...I don't really know what was stopping me but when I started eating Paleo and when I started finding things I liked, it was almost too late to start and try to be my own person. I had made it so that we relied so heavily on each other then when I wanted a bit of freedom, trust wasn't there because I was never my own person prior to feeling and sleeping better.

Why is this information important, you might be wondering? Well the song itself, talks about being alive and living life to the fullest and just enjoying being alive....At the time of the release of this song, I wasn't living life and I wasn't doing all that I wanted. I felt held back and stifled and there's a line "every body wants me to be except you" well that was NOT my marriage. I was trying to be someone else. I couldn't extend my wings and fly without being brought back to center and smothered despite the other person thinking they weren't doing that. The closer they tried to hold me, the stronger my desire to run. This goes back to my point about not being independent prior to getting married. 

But again, how does this relate to Paleo? Well, starting Paleo and sticking to it lifted a HUGE fog on my brain and heart. Looking back, I was going through the motions of life. I wasn't living. I was staying at home and just being miserable. I refused to allow myself to experience things. I was almost afraid of experiencing the world because I was with someone who, in my opinion, almost expected me to NOT grow, in my job or personally, because I had been so dependent on her for everything. Eating Paleo should be credited for my clear thinking and my heart being clear. In so many ways, I could see the terrible choices I was making in my life by eating differently. I know it sounds weird but food has so much effect on your mind and body. The connection is unreal. I am so thankful to Paleo because I can see all things now. I've also grown up a lot in three years. 

After my marriage ended, I learned to just be. I learned to be myself and be with myself and find people who I can rely on for friendship and support. I learned to love the ways that I am and not apologize for being sensitive or emotional or overbearing or busy. I learned to let myself stretch at work and not worry about my home life but find a balance. I found hobbies and try new and exciting things all the time.

Thankfully, currently, I'm dating someone who is so supportive and doesn't stress if I have to work 6 nights a week. She knows that I have to work to support my students and in a lot of ways, work extra hours to advance in my career. There are some things I have to do and that can't be debated. 

I see this post as quite relevant to my Paleo Adventure because if it weren't for going Paleo and really getting into the "fit" lifestyle, I would have never seen my own unhappiness, never would've sought therapy and probably wouldn't have my current chosen family, my beautiful cats, gotten a promotion or meet my supportive, smart, funny, beautiful best friend and girlfriend. I would be stuck in the same rut I was for much of my life.

So, it all comes back to Michael Franti.  The song this morning brought a flood of feelings and a flood of thankfulness. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I feel so thankful and so grateful for my life. I'm in the year of 30, I'm at a great activity level and have all the things I've ever wanted. Thanks be to Paleo! :D

Two years of Paleo!

Two years ago when I entered into this lifestyle, I was so unsure it was for me. I wasn't doing it for me. I was happy with my yo-yo dieting and my gluten filled foods that made me feel like crap. I always thought it was me not the food. I'm here today to say I've made it two years! Two years of eating the same way, more 80-20 than 100% strict Paleo and I'm good with that. I'm very good with how I look right now.

I had lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Paleo and I was telling her about my 80-20 and she said something that stuck with me. "Victoria, you have this down. It's not about being strict it's about being mindful and being intentional with the food. You know that." And it was nice to hear! I am more intentional with my food and have made good choices for my body.  I also have to say I'm not really a snacker anymore. I haven't found that I want snacks. Two years later, I'm not starving mid day but I am ALWAYS hungry between breakfast and lunch for some reason so on days I work out, I up my breakfast intake! It's all about patience and figuring out what works.

I feel I was constantly comparing myself to others. I think the transition to Paleo and starting Pilates in Dec 2013 and now Barre in 2015 has really helped me to focus on myself and stop looking so much at others and desiring their body or their fitness level. I am who I am and I like where I am and I will continue to grow as each year passes.

---------------------------------

In terms of working out and helping myself along in the clothing department:

I went a little wild last week and ordered a bunch of new workout clothes. I was working with 10 year old pants and things that just didn't fit right. Lots of my things were intended to hid my previous body. These new clothes are meant to sit closer and hold a little tighter. I'm very self-conscious still, even after 2 years of loosing weight and eating in a way that makes me feel good and maybe that's something that will always be around. I might always be self-conscious in certain clothes.

So what have two years of Paleo taught me? Dedication. Commitment. Responsibility to my body. The value of seeing something through (in relationship to Pilates and working out regularly). Mood, mind clarity and sleep quality is all dependent on the food we eat. Patience; nothing comes easy especially when it comes to my body.

Thanks for reading even though it's much of my rambling.

here's some inspiration:

I have to remind myself everyday I can do what I set my mind to.

This is what I aspire to; fit not skinny! Strong is the new skinny, right?!

Find what works for you.

It's Sunday morning; finally! I've been working since Tuesday and am not done quite yet. But during my days at work, I have stepped outside my Paleo lifestyle to indulge in some treats. I've had the best root beer ever and the GREATEST sweet potato pie (g-free)!!!! During my (almost) two years as a Paleo-lifestyler, it's very easy to loose sight as to why we started in the first place. As many of you know, I started because my ex wanted to loose weight and I was along for the ride. Little did I know it would have some (positive) side effects on me and my weight, mood, brain, and function of my body. When I was in college, I had no idea the (negative) effects so many foods were having on my body, my brain function, my weight... Now I feel the best I've ever felt.  I move more than ever before. Even when I was seeing a personal trainer when I was at the peak of my over-weightness, I wasn't really moving. Flash forward 8 years and I move so much, thanks to Paleo because it propelled me into Pilates. Something else I've learned and I think I've written about is being flexible with yourself. It's so hard to be super strict all the time. Indulge when you want and don't beat yourself up over it! Similar to the "new year, new you" stuff...it doesn't have to be like that. You don't need to be new! You just need to be YOU! And that means be and eat how fits you.

Eating, exercise, movement, mindset is not a one size fits all. We are all different and we all need to feed our bodies in the ways that make sense for us. I think the below picture is a great example of what can be a one size fits all. Define eat right, fitness, and exercise for yourself. Don't let the world define those things for you. Only you know what's best for you.

I try to embody the above characteristics because in a lot of ways, I'm a role model. I'm looked at by watching eyes, always. I'm constantly trying to "love myself" and the whole motto of "new year, new you" goes against that. I'm great just the way I am but I'm just trying to improve in areas I think need some improvement. 

Take away points: simply find what works for you. Get into a space in your own mind that you are comfortable with your choices and go from there. Try to not let society define your self-image or impact where you are in your life. If I was going by society, I'd be married with kids, over-weight (because of the food society wants me to eat as a woman) and completely unhappy. Rather I'm LOVING life because I found a formula that works for me.

you are stronger than you think you

I started going to barre two weeks ago and I wasn’t weak but I wasn’t prepared for that workout. I wasn’t ready for the outside my comfort zone despite my thinking I was and really wanting a challenge. This has been a challenge. I’m shocked at how strong Pilates made me and then how much stronger I’ve gotten by adding barre. I have stunned myself in class; no longer needing to slap my outter hip/glute, can stay “in it” longer, and I can hold a plank longer. I’m so thankful I’ve been doing Pilates for over a year because if I hadn’t done that, I would not last in barre. I’m so happy I did take this challenge and am feeling like I am actually stronger than I think I am.

Thoughts of my morning

I went to Barre this morning...6am. and boy was it a struggle!!!! I am starting to see a connection to wine and my body. When I drink wine, even the smallest amount, the next day my joints feel bloated and tight. It's weird to me because I don't feel the same way after cider. I think it might be something in the wine that makes my body react differently. Part of me is starting to think of giving up alcohol all together with the occasional cider. It was a struggle to get out of my bed but I did it. I only did it because my friend from NYC posted a photo of herself at Bar Method early this am and I was inspired.

I'm glad I went. Getting moving was important and really nice. I liked this instructor. We did some things I'm familiar with and some I haven't done yet but I have to say the one thing I didn't like was her body talk. She was talking about how in the summer my shoulders will thank me for doing certain movements...that doesn't motivate me. Maybe that's just me. She also said something about a muffin top. Again, not something I want to hear during the workout because that makes me focus on my "problem" areas. Which honestly, is not what I want to do. I want to see myself as strong because I can do a push up or strong because I stopped far less or even strong because my hip/glutes are getting stronger and it doesn't fall out of position so easily! I don't want to see the areas that I have issue with. I have enough negative body image problems.

So I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying. Now I have found 2 instructors that I really like and I liked this mornings, I just wasn't into the way she tried to motivate. I have another class Thursday 6am so we will see how I feel about her. I'm really diggin' this workout schedule despite how hard it is to wake up. I do have to say, SLEEEP! I went to bed at 9pm last night. It felt so good and I slept almost through the night. (one word: cats).

My latest thought is on clothes. The barre mentality is that if you have the cute clothes you'll want to work out harder. I have found a pieces in my workout wardrobe that really work for barre. I might add some new ones next month. Maybe a pure barre shirt and some new capris from my favorite, Splits59. We shall see.

So stay motivated party people!

Barre's effect on Pilates

So I met my first goal, work out 4-5 a week! I did Pilates twice this week and twice bar (if you count this morning it'll be 3!) What have I noticed? My legs are taking shape rapidly! My arm muscles are more defined and my tummy SLIGHTLY smaller. My posture is slightly better, too.

What does barre mean for Pilates? My instructor, who has been my instructor the whole year I've been going to Pilates, has started challenging me in new ways! She introduced a new piece of equipment the other day, which is amazing!  She's really challenging me and I appreciate that. It's helpful to talk to her about barre because it seems to have an effect on my workouts with her.

Pure Barre Day 2

So my bar (bar method) obsessed friend from NYC is correct. Instructor makes all the difference!!!! I had class this morning and really loved this instructor! I also really loved the fact that 5 people made it to the class at 6am. It was nice because I felt the tempo was different. Or maybe it's because I was use to it and wasn't as lost as I was last time. The instructor gave me some tips and was encouraging but not in a way that made me hate the class. For instance, it wasn't over the top! It wasn't peppy and cheerleader-y which I liked!

The class seemed to fly by and the movements went faster this time but it could also be me...

I really liked this class and am now looking at investing in some longer workout bottoms because I was the ONLY one in capris....I get it, the muscles need to be warm haha. So to Ross I go! If I can't find anything, I've seen some nice stuff on Nordstorm Rack and Beyond Yoga....SALES. Can't pay full price.

I think I stopped 5 times in the 55 minutes. I would say that's a win!!!!! I'm actually trying to gauge if I can fit in another class before Saturday. I have Pilates two nights in a row this week so I'd like to try and make a few more Barre classes....gotta make the most out of the unlimited package I purchased!

I'm very happy with my choice this morning and am looking forward to next time :)

Be well my sweet readers.

Changing my journey

I made a conscious decision this morning to NOT do the whole 30. Why? I love how I eat. I love coffee, I love almond milk, I love the way I eat. I do think I can cut back on certain foods but I don't want to be restricted. I want to eat the way I eat because it's good. I'm not binging on sweets, I don't eat ice cream very often, I don't drink regularly, I don't do a whole lot that is "bad." So I'm going to eat the way I do and add in more exercise.


I am going to say something that most people can't or don't. I love my body. I have been Paleo/gluten free for 2 full years January 21st. My life has changed so much. I am finally happy with how I look and feel. Sure, I could be 10 lbs lighter, but who can't?! I'm happy with my weight and my curves. I like that I wear a 8/10/medium. Sometimes I get annoyed at my pooch but at 29.5 years old, I'm look and feel so much better than I did when I was 19. I can't stress it enough; doing the whole 30 right now wouldn't be for me. I have been seriously reflecting on it and if I were to join the bandwagon, it wouldn't be for me and that's the worst reason to do anything. I can be me, be happy, healthy, and fit, eating the way I eat and being comfortable with that. Instead of focusing so much on what I can't eat, I'm going to eat to nourish my body and I'm good with that. I'm going to be active and continue barre and Pilates. I am happy with this choice and will continue to make good decisions for me.


Here's to a 3rd year of Paleo and my amazing lifestyle. Here's to activity and loving your body just the way it is, ever changing and growing but beautiful in any form.

Coffee....

It's a Sunday morning. I woke up and started season 2 of The Sopranos and all I want is a big cup of coffee. Coffee was an everyday occurrence for me but something about a nice Sunday morning means coffee to me. Instead I'm drinking tea...a nice big cup of mate. It has stevia leaf in it, which I'm actually not sure if that is whole 30 compliant or not but for today, it's fine. I'm making a nice breakfast and am actually debating going to a barre class....WHAT?! yes yes I am debating this. I'm not as sore as I was yesterday and I feel pretty good all around so thought maybe I should go. This debate comes from the fact that I really just want to sit around all day and snuggle my cats, read, watch the Sopranos and eat but there is something inside that really wants to go and try again. I have a little while to decide if I want to go or not so I'm going to eat my breakfast and see how I feel after that.

But man do I want a cup of coffee. More tea!!!!

Ramblings of me....

I'm officially starting the whole 30 on Monday. I wasn't ready yesterday and decided to go out for wings with friends and indulged on a cider and some ranch dressing and fries.... :D And I thought I was going to kick my coffee habit for brewed mate but I found out it has stevia in it! So I'm indulging in a coffee and almond milk. MEH. Most people would say I've "failed" at the whole 30 but I'm not seeing it that way. Rather I'm seeing it as my head isn't all the way in it so I have to cleanse my brain some more before embarking on this 30 day journey. Part of me doesn't actually want to do it at all but I know I should....But what are my reasons? Is it because so many people I know are doing it? Is it because I know I feel better when I do it? Is it because I remember what my body, skin, hair looked like and how my body felt? Yes, that's the reason. I remember how great I felt and I'm going to start Monday with my head really in it. For me this time. Not because everyone is doing it but because I want to feel the amazing side effects. Tomorrow I will spend the day and finish cleaning out the kitchen and clean my apartment.

My three goals include working out 4-5 times a week AND kicking this coffee habit. I did it way back in the summer but now I don't remember how. I also did a whole 30 and was quick successful but again, can't remember HOW exactly I did it. Other than getting my head in the game, which for some reason it is not this time around.

My three goals for this journey were kind of easy to set but I think I have another challenge for longer than the 30 days. I'm challenging myself to take the money I would've spent on cold brew and stick it in my savings each week. That'll be a nice little nugget of change :D


Updates on the workout front:

I did Pilates this morning and my body is screaming. I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, my body is really sore from two really intense workouts. I think I'm feeling some changes and will see some nice results if I can stick to it. It feels good to add in my pilates. My instructor is my favorite and nothing could ever top my workouts at the studio. Pilates is my first love and I'm truly thankful my therapist suggested I try it out.

First Barre class

Yesterday was my first barre class. I went out on a limb and am trying something new and it was really fast paced and hard to follow. I was very frustrated at the end because honestly, I thought I was in better shape than this class is making me think. To be called active and fit a few days ago and then go to this class and I'm having to stop a bunch and drink water, that's frustrating! Well, I stayed the whole 55 minutes even though I wanted to quit. I will be going back even though I really don't want to......I left there feeling kinda sore, kinda shakey...shakey is their thing. They want you to "find your shake" and "be the best you can be" and you're "strong!" okay, okay, I get it! I've never been into the motivation piece of group classes like that. It's low impact but high energy and I was so not feeling it. I resolved in my head that I have to give it a shot and not just dismiss it...which is my pattern. Maybe it's the instructor and the people in the class. Who knows.

I will say that I was skeptical due to the lack of soreness until I woke up this morning. I'm sore around my  side-ribcage, aka my obliques. This is a soreness I haven't felt there before. I haven't felt so sore I say ouch when I lift myself up or bend a certain way. I will call this a win. I'm sad my seat (butt) isn't sore but I guess that will come. Eventually...

Going forward, I've scheduled myself for 2 days a week. I have pilates later today and if I'm not super sore, I might attempt another barre class tomorrow or monday. Who knows. Keep ya posted!