Warning: This one is about my period

Dang. Being a woman who gets her period on the regular is rough. Why you may ask? Well, my period is compounded by endometriosis. Endo sucks pretty hardcore and I've been battling it for a long time. I got my first period at nine years old and the passing out due to pain began not long after. Fast forward ten years, my gyno decided to do exploratory surgery to figure out what the issue was and where it was coming from because my passing out was induced only by internal pain from my leg--docs thought this was strange. Fast forward a little more, it turns out my endo is implanted on my  ureter and urinary bladder. Fast forward ten more years, I'm 29 and I'm still dealing with the pain. This particular period has been AWFUL. I've missed two days of work, two workouts and have been stuck in my bed, heating pad glued to me and taking pain killers to dull the pain. This is not something I enjoy, for obvious reasons.

I have a few feelings. I think I could control the pain with diet. Maybe that's a feeble thought...caffeine, alcohol, and dairy make it worse. I don't do so well at giving up caffeine during this time but I try to stay away from dairy despite having some ice cream yesterday and Saturday.

My next move is to talk with my doctor about pain management and potentially acupuncture because there is NO way this lady is putting hormones of any kind, no matter how low the dosage, into my body. I think acupuncture and a change in my diet, again, might be the best solution until we figure out if surgery is another option.

It really sucks having something so internal and personal effect all areas of my life. I've had to cancel all meetings and just stay in my bed. I've done some research and it seems diet can control my symptoms. So now the question is, whole30 forever? My research has shown the change in diet, like whole30, will manage my pain. Now its going to take commitment. I will discuss with my doctor a diet change and acupuncture. Let's see where we end up.

Not sure the venue but this seems appropriate!

Warning this a really personal post: Probably the most vulnerable I've gotten in a while.

I went to Barre this morning (it was great) and on the way home, Michael Franti's "I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like)" came on and I sang the whole time. Then suddenly I got all choked up. Yes, I'm an emotional person and very sensitive but for some reason this song that I tend to jump up and down and rock the EFF out with, I was crying. I was thinking about my life right now. My amazing and complicated and busy life. How far I've come since this song came out.

It was released right during the time of my asking for a divorce and at the exact moment I felt at my lowest. I was so unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I was unhappy with my life, my friends, my negativity, my job, my family, my apartment..nothing felt right and nothing felt like it was mine. I didn't feel like an individual who was able to thrive and grow. I felt like I had started a new life as a pair that didn't fit. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I fell asleep at 8pm and couldn't get up until 9am. I was clearly on the verge of depression and digging myself into a hole. I, thankfully, sought out therapy and there figured out I needed to end my marriage and attempt the alone life and really be an independent twenty-something. I didn't know who I was at 27/28. I had never been Victoria. I was always someone's other and formed to make the "perfect match" even though it was never the perfect fit.  I had no hobbies and had no desire to be fit. Everything I was doing, by my own doing, was being a pair. In a lot of ways, I didn't let myself branch out because, well honestly, I don't know...I don't really know what was stopping me but when I started eating Paleo and when I started finding things I liked, it was almost too late to start and try to be my own person. I had made it so that we relied so heavily on each other then when I wanted a bit of freedom, trust wasn't there because I was never my own person prior to feeling and sleeping better.

Why is this information important, you might be wondering? Well the song itself, talks about being alive and living life to the fullest and just enjoying being alive....At the time of the release of this song, I wasn't living life and I wasn't doing all that I wanted. I felt held back and stifled and there's a line "every body wants me to be except you" well that was NOT my marriage. I was trying to be someone else. I couldn't extend my wings and fly without being brought back to center and smothered despite the other person thinking they weren't doing that. The closer they tried to hold me, the stronger my desire to run. This goes back to my point about not being independent prior to getting married. 

But again, how does this relate to Paleo? Well, starting Paleo and sticking to it lifted a HUGE fog on my brain and heart. Looking back, I was going through the motions of life. I wasn't living. I was staying at home and just being miserable. I refused to allow myself to experience things. I was almost afraid of experiencing the world because I was with someone who, in my opinion, almost expected me to NOT grow, in my job or personally, because I had been so dependent on her for everything. Eating Paleo should be credited for my clear thinking and my heart being clear. In so many ways, I could see the terrible choices I was making in my life by eating differently. I know it sounds weird but food has so much effect on your mind and body. The connection is unreal. I am so thankful to Paleo because I can see all things now. I've also grown up a lot in three years. 

After my marriage ended, I learned to just be. I learned to be myself and be with myself and find people who I can rely on for friendship and support. I learned to love the ways that I am and not apologize for being sensitive or emotional or overbearing or busy. I learned to let myself stretch at work and not worry about my home life but find a balance. I found hobbies and try new and exciting things all the time.

Thankfully, currently, I'm dating someone who is so supportive and doesn't stress if I have to work 6 nights a week. She knows that I have to work to support my students and in a lot of ways, work extra hours to advance in my career. There are some things I have to do and that can't be debated. 

I see this post as quite relevant to my Paleo Adventure because if it weren't for going Paleo and really getting into the "fit" lifestyle, I would have never seen my own unhappiness, never would've sought therapy and probably wouldn't have my current chosen family, my beautiful cats, gotten a promotion or meet my supportive, smart, funny, beautiful best friend and girlfriend. I would be stuck in the same rut I was for much of my life.

So, it all comes back to Michael Franti.  The song this morning brought a flood of feelings and a flood of thankfulness. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I feel so thankful and so grateful for my life. I'm in the year of 30, I'm at a great activity level and have all the things I've ever wanted. Thanks be to Paleo! :D

Two years of Paleo!

Two years ago when I entered into this lifestyle, I was so unsure it was for me. I wasn't doing it for me. I was happy with my yo-yo dieting and my gluten filled foods that made me feel like crap. I always thought it was me not the food. I'm here today to say I've made it two years! Two years of eating the same way, more 80-20 than 100% strict Paleo and I'm good with that. I'm very good with how I look right now.

I had lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Paleo and I was telling her about my 80-20 and she said something that stuck with me. "Victoria, you have this down. It's not about being strict it's about being mindful and being intentional with the food. You know that." And it was nice to hear! I am more intentional with my food and have made good choices for my body.  I also have to say I'm not really a snacker anymore. I haven't found that I want snacks. Two years later, I'm not starving mid day but I am ALWAYS hungry between breakfast and lunch for some reason so on days I work out, I up my breakfast intake! It's all about patience and figuring out what works.

I feel I was constantly comparing myself to others. I think the transition to Paleo and starting Pilates in Dec 2013 and now Barre in 2015 has really helped me to focus on myself and stop looking so much at others and desiring their body or their fitness level. I am who I am and I like where I am and I will continue to grow as each year passes.

---------------------------------

In terms of working out and helping myself along in the clothing department:

I went a little wild last week and ordered a bunch of new workout clothes. I was working with 10 year old pants and things that just didn't fit right. Lots of my things were intended to hid my previous body. These new clothes are meant to sit closer and hold a little tighter. I'm very self-conscious still, even after 2 years of loosing weight and eating in a way that makes me feel good and maybe that's something that will always be around. I might always be self-conscious in certain clothes.

So what have two years of Paleo taught me? Dedication. Commitment. Responsibility to my body. The value of seeing something through (in relationship to Pilates and working out regularly). Mood, mind clarity and sleep quality is all dependent on the food we eat. Patience; nothing comes easy especially when it comes to my body.

Thanks for reading even though it's much of my rambling.

here's some inspiration:

I have to remind myself everyday I can do what I set my mind to.

This is what I aspire to; fit not skinny! Strong is the new skinny, right?!

Find what works for you.

It's Sunday morning; finally! I've been working since Tuesday and am not done quite yet. But during my days at work, I have stepped outside my Paleo lifestyle to indulge in some treats. I've had the best root beer ever and the GREATEST sweet potato pie (g-free)!!!! During my (almost) two years as a Paleo-lifestyler, it's very easy to loose sight as to why we started in the first place. As many of you know, I started because my ex wanted to loose weight and I was along for the ride. Little did I know it would have some (positive) side effects on me and my weight, mood, brain, and function of my body. When I was in college, I had no idea the (negative) effects so many foods were having on my body, my brain function, my weight... Now I feel the best I've ever felt.  I move more than ever before. Even when I was seeing a personal trainer when I was at the peak of my over-weightness, I wasn't really moving. Flash forward 8 years and I move so much, thanks to Paleo because it propelled me into Pilates. Something else I've learned and I think I've written about is being flexible with yourself. It's so hard to be super strict all the time. Indulge when you want and don't beat yourself up over it! Similar to the "new year, new you" stuff...it doesn't have to be like that. You don't need to be new! You just need to be YOU! And that means be and eat how fits you.

Eating, exercise, movement, mindset is not a one size fits all. We are all different and we all need to feed our bodies in the ways that make sense for us. I think the below picture is a great example of what can be a one size fits all. Define eat right, fitness, and exercise for yourself. Don't let the world define those things for you. Only you know what's best for you.

I try to embody the above characteristics because in a lot of ways, I'm a role model. I'm looked at by watching eyes, always. I'm constantly trying to "love myself" and the whole motto of "new year, new you" goes against that. I'm great just the way I am but I'm just trying to improve in areas I think need some improvement. 

Take away points: simply find what works for you. Get into a space in your own mind that you are comfortable with your choices and go from there. Try to not let society define your self-image or impact where you are in your life. If I was going by society, I'd be married with kids, over-weight (because of the food society wants me to eat as a woman) and completely unhappy. Rather I'm LOVING life because I found a formula that works for me.

you are stronger than you think you

I started going to barre two weeks ago and I wasn’t weak but I wasn’t prepared for that workout. I wasn’t ready for the outside my comfort zone despite my thinking I was and really wanting a challenge. This has been a challenge. I’m shocked at how strong Pilates made me and then how much stronger I’ve gotten by adding barre. I have stunned myself in class; no longer needing to slap my outter hip/glute, can stay “in it” longer, and I can hold a plank longer. I’m so thankful I’ve been doing Pilates for over a year because if I hadn’t done that, I would not last in barre. I’m so happy I did take this challenge and am feeling like I am actually stronger than I think I am.

Thoughts of my morning

I went to Barre this morning...6am. and boy was it a struggle!!!! I am starting to see a connection to wine and my body. When I drink wine, even the smallest amount, the next day my joints feel bloated and tight. It's weird to me because I don't feel the same way after cider. I think it might be something in the wine that makes my body react differently. Part of me is starting to think of giving up alcohol all together with the occasional cider. It was a struggle to get out of my bed but I did it. I only did it because my friend from NYC posted a photo of herself at Bar Method early this am and I was inspired.

I'm glad I went. Getting moving was important and really nice. I liked this instructor. We did some things I'm familiar with and some I haven't done yet but I have to say the one thing I didn't like was her body talk. She was talking about how in the summer my shoulders will thank me for doing certain movements...that doesn't motivate me. Maybe that's just me. She also said something about a muffin top. Again, not something I want to hear during the workout because that makes me focus on my "problem" areas. Which honestly, is not what I want to do. I want to see myself as strong because I can do a push up or strong because I stopped far less or even strong because my hip/glutes are getting stronger and it doesn't fall out of position so easily! I don't want to see the areas that I have issue with. I have enough negative body image problems.

So I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying. Now I have found 2 instructors that I really like and I liked this mornings, I just wasn't into the way she tried to motivate. I have another class Thursday 6am so we will see how I feel about her. I'm really diggin' this workout schedule despite how hard it is to wake up. I do have to say, SLEEEP! I went to bed at 9pm last night. It felt so good and I slept almost through the night. (one word: cats).

My latest thought is on clothes. The barre mentality is that if you have the cute clothes you'll want to work out harder. I have found a pieces in my workout wardrobe that really work for barre. I might add some new ones next month. Maybe a pure barre shirt and some new capris from my favorite, Splits59. We shall see.

So stay motivated party people!

Barre's effect on Pilates

So I met my first goal, work out 4-5 a week! I did Pilates twice this week and twice bar (if you count this morning it'll be 3!) What have I noticed? My legs are taking shape rapidly! My arm muscles are more defined and my tummy SLIGHTLY smaller. My posture is slightly better, too.

What does barre mean for Pilates? My instructor, who has been my instructor the whole year I've been going to Pilates, has started challenging me in new ways! She introduced a new piece of equipment the other day, which is amazing!  She's really challenging me and I appreciate that. It's helpful to talk to her about barre because it seems to have an effect on my workouts with her.

Pure Barre Day 2

So my bar (bar method) obsessed friend from NYC is correct. Instructor makes all the difference!!!! I had class this morning and really loved this instructor! I also really loved the fact that 5 people made it to the class at 6am. It was nice because I felt the tempo was different. Or maybe it's because I was use to it and wasn't as lost as I was last time. The instructor gave me some tips and was encouraging but not in a way that made me hate the class. For instance, it wasn't over the top! It wasn't peppy and cheerleader-y which I liked!

The class seemed to fly by and the movements went faster this time but it could also be me...

I really liked this class and am now looking at investing in some longer workout bottoms because I was the ONLY one in capris....I get it, the muscles need to be warm haha. So to Ross I go! If I can't find anything, I've seen some nice stuff on Nordstorm Rack and Beyond Yoga....SALES. Can't pay full price.

I think I stopped 5 times in the 55 minutes. I would say that's a win!!!!! I'm actually trying to gauge if I can fit in another class before Saturday. I have Pilates two nights in a row this week so I'd like to try and make a few more Barre classes....gotta make the most out of the unlimited package I purchased!

I'm very happy with my choice this morning and am looking forward to next time :)

Be well my sweet readers.

Changing my journey

I made a conscious decision this morning to NOT do the whole 30. Why? I love how I eat. I love coffee, I love almond milk, I love the way I eat. I do think I can cut back on certain foods but I don't want to be restricted. I want to eat the way I eat because it's good. I'm not binging on sweets, I don't eat ice cream very often, I don't drink regularly, I don't do a whole lot that is "bad." So I'm going to eat the way I do and add in more exercise.


I am going to say something that most people can't or don't. I love my body. I have been Paleo/gluten free for 2 full years January 21st. My life has changed so much. I am finally happy with how I look and feel. Sure, I could be 10 lbs lighter, but who can't?! I'm happy with my weight and my curves. I like that I wear a 8/10/medium. Sometimes I get annoyed at my pooch but at 29.5 years old, I'm look and feel so much better than I did when I was 19. I can't stress it enough; doing the whole 30 right now wouldn't be for me. I have been seriously reflecting on it and if I were to join the bandwagon, it wouldn't be for me and that's the worst reason to do anything. I can be me, be happy, healthy, and fit, eating the way I eat and being comfortable with that. Instead of focusing so much on what I can't eat, I'm going to eat to nourish my body and I'm good with that. I'm going to be active and continue barre and Pilates. I am happy with this choice and will continue to make good decisions for me.


Here's to a 3rd year of Paleo and my amazing lifestyle. Here's to activity and loving your body just the way it is, ever changing and growing but beautiful in any form.

Coffee....

It's a Sunday morning. I woke up and started season 2 of The Sopranos and all I want is a big cup of coffee. Coffee was an everyday occurrence for me but something about a nice Sunday morning means coffee to me. Instead I'm drinking tea...a nice big cup of mate. It has stevia leaf in it, which I'm actually not sure if that is whole 30 compliant or not but for today, it's fine. I'm making a nice breakfast and am actually debating going to a barre class....WHAT?! yes yes I am debating this. I'm not as sore as I was yesterday and I feel pretty good all around so thought maybe I should go. This debate comes from the fact that I really just want to sit around all day and snuggle my cats, read, watch the Sopranos and eat but there is something inside that really wants to go and try again. I have a little while to decide if I want to go or not so I'm going to eat my breakfast and see how I feel after that.

But man do I want a cup of coffee. More tea!!!!

Ramblings of me....

I'm officially starting the whole 30 on Monday. I wasn't ready yesterday and decided to go out for wings with friends and indulged on a cider and some ranch dressing and fries.... :D And I thought I was going to kick my coffee habit for brewed mate but I found out it has stevia in it! So I'm indulging in a coffee and almond milk. MEH. Most people would say I've "failed" at the whole 30 but I'm not seeing it that way. Rather I'm seeing it as my head isn't all the way in it so I have to cleanse my brain some more before embarking on this 30 day journey. Part of me doesn't actually want to do it at all but I know I should....But what are my reasons? Is it because so many people I know are doing it? Is it because I know I feel better when I do it? Is it because I remember what my body, skin, hair looked like and how my body felt? Yes, that's the reason. I remember how great I felt and I'm going to start Monday with my head really in it. For me this time. Not because everyone is doing it but because I want to feel the amazing side effects. Tomorrow I will spend the day and finish cleaning out the kitchen and clean my apartment.

My three goals include working out 4-5 times a week AND kicking this coffee habit. I did it way back in the summer but now I don't remember how. I also did a whole 30 and was quick successful but again, can't remember HOW exactly I did it. Other than getting my head in the game, which for some reason it is not this time around.

My three goals for this journey were kind of easy to set but I think I have another challenge for longer than the 30 days. I'm challenging myself to take the money I would've spent on cold brew and stick it in my savings each week. That'll be a nice little nugget of change :D


Updates on the workout front:

I did Pilates this morning and my body is screaming. I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, my body is really sore from two really intense workouts. I think I'm feeling some changes and will see some nice results if I can stick to it. It feels good to add in my pilates. My instructor is my favorite and nothing could ever top my workouts at the studio. Pilates is my first love and I'm truly thankful my therapist suggested I try it out.

First Barre class

Yesterday was my first barre class. I went out on a limb and am trying something new and it was really fast paced and hard to follow. I was very frustrated at the end because honestly, I thought I was in better shape than this class is making me think. To be called active and fit a few days ago and then go to this class and I'm having to stop a bunch and drink water, that's frustrating! Well, I stayed the whole 55 minutes even though I wanted to quit. I will be going back even though I really don't want to......I left there feeling kinda sore, kinda shakey...shakey is their thing. They want you to "find your shake" and "be the best you can be" and you're "strong!" okay, okay, I get it! I've never been into the motivation piece of group classes like that. It's low impact but high energy and I was so not feeling it. I resolved in my head that I have to give it a shot and not just dismiss it...which is my pattern. Maybe it's the instructor and the people in the class. Who knows.

I will say that I was skeptical due to the lack of soreness until I woke up this morning. I'm sore around my  side-ribcage, aka my obliques. This is a soreness I haven't felt there before. I haven't felt so sore I say ouch when I lift myself up or bend a certain way. I will call this a win. I'm sad my seat (butt) isn't sore but I guess that will come. Eventually...

Going forward, I've scheduled myself for 2 days a week. I have pilates later today and if I'm not super sore, I might attempt another barre class tomorrow or monday. Who knows. Keep ya posted!