I've gone a long time without telling the whole story behind my weight, my obsession with food, and my disordered body image and disordered eating. But tonight, I'm feeling compelled to explain...all of it....
I was always an overweight person. I was made fun of constantly in elementary school and middle school. I was short and fat. I wasn't getting proper nutritional information and wasn't taught about how to eat. Honestly, going through as much as I did as a child (a divorce, a major death, tons of moving, etc) I always turned to food for comfort and used it as a reward. In high school, I battled an eating disorder. Though I was never diagnosed. As a teen, I was starving myself. Then I flipped and started binge eating. The switch happened because I was on a massive amounts of hormones for reproductive issues. It was then that I started hiding food in my room. I would eat secretly. I would barely eat in front of parents and if I did, it was small portions and then would go back for more later when they weren't looking. I would conceal whatever food I was consuming by moving leftovers around or ice cream. I counted what was in the package and make sure my consumption wouldn't be noticed. It was a big issue. I was constantly talking about my weight. At 19 and 20 years old, I had a personal trainer, a nutritionist, and doctors looking into my thyroid and other potential reasons I was gaining weight.
In high school, I weighed 118 and ballooned to 160 by my first year in college. Everyone was concerned. My first year at Clark I noticed purple stretch marks on my stomach, thighs, and arms. I was uncomfortable all the time. I couldn't look at myself. This was when I started dieting and my self esteem tanked. I began Weight Watchers and became obsessed with what went into my mouth. I never lost any weight and in fact, was getting heavier. By my junior year at Clark, I weighed 180 and was so miserable with my body, I started Slim Fast. This was the most effective diet for me. I started to loose weight and fast! I was so excited. However, like most quick fixes, I gained it all back in grad school.
Once again, I was miserable. I went off all of the hormones and thankfully dropped some weight. I went back on Weight Watchers and tried to loose weight. I couldn't break 150 at this point and just felt like nothing was happening.
Finally, last year, I started Paleo. For the first time in my life, I stopped obsessing about my calories! It was so liberating. I was (and am) very concerned about my body and how others see it. I'm constantly worried about what people see, where fat is hanging over, how shirts fit around my stomach, how my bras fit around my chest so not to see bulge of skin, etc.
Doing whole30 has brought up a lot of issues for me. I find restricting foods is making me obsess with my body image, my food intake, and my exercise. It's making me worry about results and oddly enough, it's making me desire foods I've never craved. I have thought about stopping but instead, I'm going to continue and hopefully be able to move past the mentality around it and the move past some of the issues that have come up. I'm full and nourished but I obsess about the "can't haves" rather than the good, real food, I am eating and well!
I truly believe this is why I've had so much success with Paleo. It does not, ever, make me feel like I can't have something. There are so many rules associated with whole30 I become fixated. I've been doing really well at leaning on the folks doing it with me and just focusing on the health benefits; the increased energy levels, the lack of bloat, sleeping better, etc. But I did want to put my issues out there for the world to see because I know there are others like me. I just want people to know that they aren't alone. Disordered eating and body image are real. They effect lots of people.
In the past year, my confidence has increased leaps and bounds and I am so thankful I have found a lifestyle that has given me the confidence to look in the mirror and see what really exists. I can finally see a person, not rolls of skin (which is what I saw for a long, long time). I can, for the most part, sit without covering my stomach. I finally have confidence to just be me and try new styles of dress.
Paleo has given me freedom and liberated me from dieting/counting calories/obsessing. I'm not complaining about doing whole30, I'm just saying, it's definitely brought up some things I didn't think would come up. I'm learning a great deal about myself and am learning what works for me and what doesn't.
Thanks for reading :)
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